Classmates - Cartoon

sorry sorry i know you're disappointed... *rolls eyes*

but i'm probably not gonna be updating this much if at all anymore even though i like blogger so much better... i'm gonna be here http://quenchless.livejournal.com just comment to be added... sorry though, you have to have an lj account and be logged in to read. if people weren't so nosy it wouldn't be a problem but it is what it is. you can't change other people.

<3

Entrez PubMed

Isr J Psychiatry Relat Sci. 2005;42(3):178-84. Related Articles, Links


Siblings in the context of anorexia nervosa.

Bachner-Melman R.

Department of Psychology, The Hebrew University of Jerusalem, Israel. msrbach@mscc.huji.ac.il

BACKGROUND: Sibling relationships may be relevant to the development of anorexia nervosa (AN), yet little research has focused on this aspect of the disorder. METHOD: A narrative study of four women in various stages of recovery from AN is described and results relevant to sibling relationships are presented, enriched by published anecdotes and case studies. RESULTS: The anorexic interviewees described much antagonism and rivalry and little warmth and intimacy between themselves and their siblings. They seemed to feel they did not belong sufficiently in their families and other social settings despite a strong desire to belong. LIMITATIONS: The sample is small, reports subjective and retrospective and no control group was included. CONCLUSIONS: It is suggested that anorexic girls often feel emotionally isolated from and misunderstood by siblings, who may have much to contribute to the process of therapy and recovery.

PMID: 16335630 [PubMed - in process]

nose so far... surgery was on thursday...

 

Hermie the Turtle gets braces to fix beak

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1215turtle-braces15-ON.html

*U*n*q*u*e*n*c*h*a*b*l*e*

using LJ now. lemme know if you want added or need more info.

still laid up from surgery but my mom has taken pix along the way so you guys can see sometime.

i know, you're excited.

Im ok- was feeling shitty & nauseated so they had me stay ouernite-prob home soon.

I PASSED EVERYTHING!!!

Cecilia, Kristen Wants to Know "Are You Monk-ish?"

CECILIA, ARE YOU A NEAT FREAK? OBSESSED WITH ORDER? AFRAID OF GERMS? YOU MAY BE MONK-ISH AND YOUR FRIEND KRISTEN WANTS TO FIND OUT.   TAKE USA NETWORK'S "ARE YOU MONK-ISH?" QUIZ   TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU'RE   LIKE ADRIAN MONK! If your mail client does not support HTML, please go to http://www.usanetwork.com/series/monk/monkish/email/ to read this e-mail.

email to antia:I PASSED!!!

YAY! hehe... it was weird... my dad and i went to the steelers game. i've been waiting since like wednesday to hear the grade in that one class, but im trying not to think about it. then we went to dinner in mt. lebanon at aladdins, and who shows up but the headmaster from my 6-12th grade school (not a fan of the school or him, but hey, i'll be cordial.) then we're on the way home and stop in washington, at "riesha's walmart" and i get a phone call as we're walking in, its riesha, and she's like "I'm right behind you!" so i met jeff and all the kids :) then a few minutes later i'm wandering around, and i run into the teacher of the class i'm dreading hearing the grade from. she's like, did i email you back yet? i said nooo... she's like, oh, well you passed both my classes. all that build up, in one moment it was over... but of course it still doesnt feel over... i dont know, weird. anyway, so i called riesh who was somewhere else in the store to tell her, and texted Laur, who's reply was "WOOHOO!" hehe

so anyway, i thought i'd let you know... that i've passed one more semester... yay go me, now i can submit myself to another semester of this. can you imagine what its gonna be like waiting almost 2 months for my board exam results to come back?? man im gonna have to start ativan or xanax by then.

benji says "woof!"

love, CECILIA

just ran into my prof@ walmart-i passed!

Loser Quiz

i'm sooo not that cool.

Lauren Greenfield Photography - Biography

News
Lauren Greefield's documentary film "THIN" will premier at the Sundance Film Festival in the documentary competition in January.



THIN is a cinema verité documentary that takes us inside the walls of Renfrew, a clinic in southern Florida that specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. Lauren Greenfield makes her directorial debut with this film which chronicles the treatment of four women as they struggle to overcome an illness that has consumed their lives. HBO will broadcast the film in the Fall of 2006. She is working on a book of the same title.




Showtimes for "Thin":

Fri. Jan 20, 1:00pm, Sundance
Sat. Jan 21, 2:30pm, Prospector
Sun. Jan 22, 5:30pm, Holiday II
Tue. Jan 24, 9:00pm, Broadway 4
Thu. Jan 26, 10:00am, Holiday IV
Fri. Jan 27, 1:00pm, Holiday IV

lauren.greenfield

part of email to anita

Hey Anita! It was great to see you last night.

{edit out stuff}

Also, if i were to start indiv therapy, i would want non-negotiable ground rules, like you will NOT talk to my parents about anything going on in there or with me, EVER, because i know how stuff just 'comes up' in family/group T when you think it should, but if that were to happen, i probably wouldnt share anything else, which would completely defeat the whole point of therapy in the first place. I like you as a therapist, and seem to find the right buttons to push at the right times usually, that my old T wouldnt usually pick up on. I have wanted to (do indiv with you) at times, but its so not-feasible with the whole travel thing, but if it were to be scheduled near group times, since i have that time off next semester, it might work out, i'll see. I've seen 3 T's in the past, 2 while i was a minor, and they would have my mom in the room separately from me, then see me (or vice versa, sometimes both together. thus they never learned much.)

I still havent gotten my grade in that class... I'll let you know how it goes. Hope to see you in a couple weeks :)

<3 Cecilia

great. the other day i was posting something innocent on RGP (on my dad's computer... i know, i know, i should have known better) then got called away for a sec, and i thought "oh, i'll come right back, finish it, close it, delete the history, etc." but nooooooooo cecilia has to forget that it was up then leave for her final. and remember while she was ON THE WAY UP THERE. she didnt come back til about 12:45 and dad had come home for lunch at noon, not to mention mom who had been on her computer all morning right next to it. wtf is wrong with me.

might have to change usernames. and LJ might be a viable option, too. How do you ask for an LJ paid account for christmas that they're never allowed to visit? ;)

Finals so far:
Monday-Community Dental Health completely ripped me a new one.
Tuesday-Pharmacology suprisingly wasnt too hard.
Wesnesday-Dental Hygiene Lecture, AKA prepare-you-for-board-exams. Which are in March. GRRREAT. Its comprehensive for the last 3 semesters... from EVERY CLASS.

Thursday- Periodontology. yuck. gum surgery.
Thurs nite- T group with Laur i hope :)
Friday- Dental Materials.

next tuesday- pre-op, anesthesia appts.
next thursday- nose amputation :)

kurt halsey

In dhygiene review book- '27-42percent of anorectics INDULGE in bulimia' - OMG i dont think bp'ing is such an indulgence :-O

The Sopranos

Dr. Melfi: What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you?
Tony: I don't know, it was just a trip having those wild creatures come into my pool and have their little babies. I was sad to see them go. Jesus, fuck, now he's gonna cry. Shit. Fuck me.
Dr. Melfi: When the ducks gave birth to those babies they became a family.
Tony: You're right. That's the link. A connection. I'm afraid i'm gonna lose my family. Like I lost the ducks. That's what I'm full of dread about. That's always with me.
Dr. Melfi: What are you so afraid is going to happen?
Tony: I don't know.

Rubys Gloomy Place - Comments that parents make.

Rubys Gloomy Place - Comments that parents make.:

my mom is much the same... an internet doctor... always trying to find new cures for things, like her fibromyalgia, aunts/uncles/cousin's cancers, my ED/ADD/Dep, not to mention some of the other 'diagnoses' that i have received from Dr Dot Com.

my personal favorite is when earlier this year, she insisted on going to my psychiatrist with me after having my thyroid levels checked. they were normal, but low normal. She apparently read that in many 'treatment-resistant depression' cases, low thyroid hormone is the reason SSRI's don't work.

SHE PRACTICALLY WOULDNT LEAVE HIS OFFICE UNTIL I WAS ON CYTOMEL (like synthroid)!!!

of course, my first ? to him always when he wanted to put me on a new med was

'Is it going to make me fat?'

his reply (WITH MY MOM STANDING THERE and i was definitely not a healthy weight at that time) was:

'No, if anything it will make you hyper and skinny.'


She left uber-satisfied.

Score one for Cecilia or at least her ED.

Baby Blues

1/5 Carat Diamond 14K White Gold Snowflake Necklace - ICE.com - Product Detail

this is pretty

http://www.ice.com/productimages/pdf353910_b_l.jpg

Ok, its evaluation time! going through my sitemeter and found hits from people i dont think i know... which is cool... as long as its not, you know, my family :-O Its ok if you're reading, just let me know who you are in a comment, or where you 'know' me from or where you got the link... no big deal, right?



who from fort wayne indiana reads this?

and sunnyvale california?

and someone using cogent communications from DC? -wait, that might be allegra...

and someone in... brazil???

and one from PSU (and another from state college)... Liz i assume... could be allison but i dont think she has address/pw... or do you? its ok if u do!

and omaha, nebraska? def don't know anyone there.

and one from boston?

and... umm... san jose, costa rica?

Searching for reason...

Write down five of life's simple pleasures.
Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.
1. sarris pretzels
2. snow days
3. seroquel
4. ambien
5. sonata


Tag 5 people on your list. (i also probably don't have 5 people who read this. doubtful all the people on the list read... but they all have the pw i think.)

people who might read it: (in no particular order!)
Laur
Jenna
Jenn
Cait
Lucy
Adina?

even if you're not on ^^ list reply to me!

Bookends

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

Julia Roberts Quotes

I could have been a dental hygienist with nothing bad ever appearing in print about me, but that's not how I've chosen to lead my life. I knew that you put yourself under a microscope the more famous you become.
Julia Roberts

*U*n*q*u*e*n*c*h*a*b*l*e*

laur- benji may be short but he is thick and very muscular.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Mom's letters to T

I told Jenn a while ago i would post these when i could. well here they are. the first is a letter my mom wrote to my now ex-T before i started seeing her, and the second after they talked the night after my first *session* with her. i just realized i might have to edit them... the first one is 6 pages long.

*note- this T had a son my age, one older, and a daughter my sibling’s age, so thats how she knew about my school and stuff.
CECILIA- replaces my name (duh.)
anything in {} is something I added.
of course i added all the color/bold/italics myself to highlight the parts i thought were pretty important. AKA-lies, etc.



May 29, 2002

Dear *****,

My aim with this letter will be to tell you anything that I think might help you to understand CECILIA a little better. It is my fervent hope and prayer that we can get things turned around for her so that she can find her way to success in whatever she wants for her life.

I guess I’ll start with some of my earliest recollections. When CECILIA was born, she was an incredibly laid-back baby/child. There wasn’t much that upset her; I can’t remember many times when she cried because she was hungry or needed changed (she and I flew back from Colorado to Pittsburgh when she was 6 months old, and I was still totally breastfeeding her at that point—because of the close seating arrangement on the plane, I was hesitant to nurse her, and she never made a sound for the entire duration of the flight or a quick stopover in Chicago, and waited patiently until we were in our car in Pittsburgh).

When she was in preschool as a 4 year old, her teacher commented several times to me that she was always the last one to finish her “work” and always seemed to dawdle during whatever the class was doing.

CECILIA was tested and placed in the Gifted and Talented Program as a 1st grader at Woodsdale (I believe her IQ was tested around ***). Her teacher in this program also told us quite a few times that CECILIA didn’t finish her work promptly, often forgot to bring homework to school, and generally did not have good organizational skills for her age. CECILIA had this teacher for math and English all through grades 1-5, and these struggles were a consistent problem through these years. The only time that CECILIA fulfilled her teacher’s expectations in these areas was when I designed an index card that the teacher merely had to checkmark each day in areas such as “turned homework in promptly,” “finished work promptly,” etc. CECILIA’s part of the deal was that she had to remember to present the card to the teacher at the end of the day, and to bring it home for us to check and initial. CECILIA carried this card for about 6 weeks, during which time the teacher reported remarkable progress in all the areas listed on the card. The teacher then thought that CECILIA should “go it alone” without the card…and within several weeks she had fallen back into her old habits. I should also mention that in her grade school years, CECILIA had only one or two B’s on her report cards…all the rest were consistently A’s.

CECILIA started ****** {private junior high/highschool} in the 6th grade, and her grades at first were pretty reasonable (mid 80’s to 90’s). But as the years progressed the grades continued to slip. She had HPL and honors quite a few times in the first 3 years at ******, but never had either even once in high school. When she was in 7th grade, she had Mrs. Huggins for English (remember her??). One day CECILIA came home from school with a note that she had not turned in a paper or something that had been due that day in Mrs. Huggins’ class. She told Mrs. Huggins that the paper was at home and she would bring it in the next day. I told her to find it and bring it to me, and after about 30 minutes she came to me and said she couldn’t find it, and it must be in her locker and she’d find it the next day. I told her no, that we would go back to school so she could get it then. After about 20 minutes of tearing apart everything in her locker, I said, “CECILIA, that paper isn’t in your locker, is it?” She told me no, and I asked her if she had done the paper, and she told me that she had not. Mrs. Huggins happened to still be in her room, so I had CECILIA go in alone to tell her that she had lied to her, which she did. Mrs. Huggins was surprisingly kind to her and talked to her for quite a while about her work, the importance of truthfulness, etc.

In CECILIA’s 8th grade year, a very close friend of hers from school attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of Tylenol. This attempt followed the friend’s bragging at school that she would be loosing her virginity that weekend with a guy from another school. The school nurse found out about it, and was going to call the girl’s mother, and this precipitated the suicide attempt. I had known this girl (and her mother) since 1st grade, and had been her Brownie leader for several years. CECILIA and I went to the hospital to visit her, but found a “no visitors” sign on her door. We went to the nurses station and asked if we could just go in to give the girl a hug, and when the girl heard we were there she wanted us to come in. We stayed for just a few minutes, and CECILIA seemed to derive a great deal of comfort that she had been able to visit with her even briefly. Despite this, CECILIA was emotionally a wreck about the situation, and was upset by the teasing that her friend endured.

That same year, CECILIA began seeing Chris Sampson, a tutor and “educational specialist” (I don’t really know what her title was, but she had a business in Elm Grove helping students who were having academic problems.) CECILIA seemed to get along well with Chris, and had many sessions with her learning note-taking and other study skills. But Chris told us early in CECILIA’s freshman year that unless CECILIA was willing to due her part and not procrastinate about getting her work finished, there was nothing further she could do for her.

{What my mom failed to mention is in the mid/end of 8th grade after that whole friend’s attempt thing, they sent me to my first T for depression. I forget exactly how long I saw her for, but it was for several months I think, and I did feel better when I finished seeing her.}


When CECILIA was a freshman in Doc’s biology class, she started out strong but her grades quickly began to drop. From our standpoint, she didn’t seem to be putting in the time needed for such a rigorous class. This began our first real attempt to try to take a more hands-on approach with her. {dad} and I would spend several hours each night reviewing and studying bio and a couple of other subjects where she was having similar problems. Our main goal was to show her how to organize her study time to prepare for tests, etc. Her grades stayed more stable while we were doing this, mostly in the 80’s. But at the same time, teachers were still reporting that she wasn’t turning in all her work and in general wasn’t putting in the time on homework, etc. (we felt she wasn’t telling us about all the homework she had been assigned). One day CECILIA was very angry with us (me, mostly) because I was “demanding” (her word) that she sit down so we could review bio. She said that no one else had to have their “mommy” study with them and she wasn’t going to do it anymore. From that point on I backed out of the situation.

Not long after this, in the early spring of her freshman year, she came out of school looking like someone had died. When she got into the car, she burst into tears and said that Doc had caught her cheating on a bio test (she had used fluorescent-green note cards to prepare cheat sheets). Doc saw them during the test, and stood her in front of the class and berated her, and then sent her to the office to deal with Reno{school’s headmaster, aka principal}. The result was that CECILIA had work details for the remainder of the year, but they did allow her to finish the bio class for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest embarrassment with this whole deal was that several of the boys in her class called her “cheater” when they would pass her in the hall for the rest of her freshman year. This also continued through her sophomore year.


After the cheating incident, Dan and I had a long talk with her about pressure, study skills, grades, etc. During this conversation, I asked her if she had ever contemplated suicide…and her reply was yes. So we got her started with Bob CECILIA** {second T}. She saw Bob off and on until he died 2 years ago. (He told me once that his view of CECILIA was that she was a very “fragile” person.)

In CECILIA’s sophomore year, her grades continued to head steadily lower, and most were in the 70’s by that point as I recall. Teachers (Geoff Schoolar, Matt DiOrio and a couple of others) were telling us that she was “mouthy” in class and wasn’t doing what was required for their classes. Her sessions with Bob Mendelson continued, but seemed to be having little effect on her academically (I can’t honestly say that I saw much difference in her emotionally, either). By the end of the 3rd grading period, CECILIA was very close to failing English for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest problem with this was that she and I were scheduled to go on a school-sponsored 3 week trip to Europe in June, and if she failed English she would have to take English in summer school and we would have to forfeit all the money we had paid for the trip. By the end of the year, she was officially failing English and had seemingly done little to turn this situation around in the last grading period. The week before finals, Bob decided that perhaps Prozac would help her to “concentrate” so that she could do better on her finals, especially English. So she started taking Prozac four days before her English final. I’m not sure that the Prozac could be credited with any miracle, but somehow CECILIA managed to get an 86 on her English final after failing mostly everything through the semester and passive-aggressively refusing to learn her declamation. Matt ******, her English teacher, told us that he couldn’t fail a student who had performed relatively well on the final…so he passed her with a 70 when her actual grade for the year should have been a 68. CECILIA continued to take Prozac for a year or so, and she quit taking it without telling us, saying later that she didn’t like “taking medicine.” Bob also got her started on Ritalin (I can’t remember exactly when, but it should be in Bob’s notes). CECILIA reported that it seemed to help her, but again stopped taking it on her own without letting us know.

Early in CECILIA’s junior year, she began having very severe headaches and fainting spells. At one point she was routinely missing 2-3 days each week of school. We took her to a long succession of doctors, and were told the following depending on the doctor: CECILIA’s classes are too hard, we should talk to the teachers about putting less pressure on her (we never went back to that dr); CECILIA has anorexia (she was mostly vegetarian, but definitely was eating); CECILIA has skeletal problems that would need repeat visits to a chiropractor to solve the headache problem; CECILIA needs to see a massage therapist; CECILIA needs to exercise more; CECILIA has migraines (imitrex and other meds had no effect on the headaches); CECILIA needs to sleep more; etc etc etc. After going through a nightmarish 5 months and nearly 20 doctors, in March of 1999 we talked to Dan’s cousin in San Francisco, who is an MD and the best diagnostician we know. He listened to everything we had been through, and told us he strongly suspected that CECILIA had “mitral valve prolapse with dysautonomia.” He suggested we see a Dr. at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who treats many patients with this little-known syndrome. In April CECILIA and I went to Birmingham, and after several tests the Dr. told us that CECILIA indeed had this syndrome. (I have enclosed an article which describes the syndrome.) In a nutshell what it involves is a failure of the autonomic nervous system to regulate the “automatic” functions of the body. This often manifests itself in fainting and headaches because the body doesn’t regulate fluids well, resulting in the body literally being “down a quart” on fluids. This is what causes the headaches and fainting. There is not an anatomic mitral valve prolapse, but rather a “floppy” valve caused by the lowered amount of fluids in the system. Basically when the body is hydrated to over-hydrated, all the symptoms disappear. This wonderful Dr. in Alabama put CECILIA on several medications to attempt to alleviate the symptoms: a beta blocker to stop the heart palpitations, another med to help the body to hold onto more fluids, plus 2 more meds that I can’t remember at the moment. The result was that within a few days, all the problems resolved. CECILIA has learned that she must constantly be on guard against getting even a little dehydrated. She is very good about carrying a water bottle with her, and knows that in hot weather she must constantly take in fluids. She knows that she will dehydrate very quickly, with fainting the usual result. CECILIA took her meds for many months, and then stopped taking everything, once again without telling anyone that she was doing this.

CECILIA’s senior year was more of the same academically. Her grades were in the 70’s, and often were failing. She applied to several colleges, with Mount Union her 1st choice. Despite the low average academically, she had a 1260 SAT. She only received a probational acceptance at Mount Union, which really seemed to surprise her. After that, she didn’t even want to consider Mount Union anymore and ended up going to {1st college}, which had already offered her a $5000 leadership scholarship because of all the sports, clubs, etc in which she was involved. She also received a $1500 vocal scholarship to participate in Wesleyan Singers. Her first semester at Wesleyan she had about a 2.4 GPA, with each successive semester going lower.

In this year, her sophomore year, she had a 1.8 first semester and a 1.45 this past semester. At Christmas break, we told her that she would have to have a 3.0 for the spring semester for us to continue to pay for her tuition. The 1.45 was the result. CECILIA has already met with the financial aid person at Wesleyan, and plans to work this summer to earn some of the money she’ll need and take out student loans for the rest. We have told her that we will continue to pay for room and board for this year, and if she earns a 3.0 or better in the fall semester, we will pay her tuition for the spring semester. (If you feel for any reason after working with CECILIA that we should reverse our decision to have her pay her own tuition, we would be completely open to whatever you suggest.) Her cumulative GPA currently stands at a 2.2.

CECILIA also pledged a sorority this past fall, and has really enjoyed the friendships she has made. She loves the sorority and the sisterhood, and was required to attend “study tables” this semester because her GPA was so low in the fall semester. Apparently they did little to help her to get better grades.

CECILIA discovered from Chris Sampson that she can “read better” if the words are printed on colored paper, so she uses a piece of plexiglass covered with colored saran wrap over the page when she reads. She tells us that this helps. She also told me last week that a friend of hers concentrates better when she takes Ritalin, and asked if she could try it again. When her most recent set of grades came and she looked at them, we asked her if she knew that they would be that bad. She told us that she honestly thought they would be better, and seemed surprised by them. Despite “learning” at ****** to keep track of every grade so that you have some idea of where you stand in your classes, she just shrugs her shoulders when asked why she doesn’t do it. This past semester, she started out carrying 14 hours, and dropped history late in the semester because “her grade wasn’t THAT bad, but she wanted to concentrate on her other classes.” She finished the semester with only 11 hours, and the 1.45 GPA in them.

One rather unusual thing (in light of the other grades she has received) is that CECILIA took 2 classes at {current college} last summer, getting an A in one and a B in the other. She mentioned the other day that she thinks she does OK in the first part of a regular semester, but gets “bored” and finds it difficult to attend to her work after that. She has not done well even in the classes which pertain to her major, public relations (which we feel was a good choice, and one she made entirely on her own after starting out as a biology major, which we did not feel was a good match for her). She will be taking a 3 hour class, philosophy, at {current college} in June this summer.

Our first reaction to CECILIA’s recent poor academic performance is to give note to how much time she watches TV, listens to country music (just ask her, she is the most knowledgeable person on the topic that I know!), spends on the computer, and spends in sorority activities. I am certain that I could not have gotten decent grades while spending so much time on non-academic pursuits. But on the other hand, we worry that perhaps CECILIA’s gifted and talented teacher, Chris Sampson, and Bob Mendelson could have missed a learning disability or other learning problem. And we understand your concern that there might be a depression problem to address as well. {dad} and I also have considered privately that college may not be for CECILIA, but she has never communicated this with us and we have never brought it up with her. Obviously she would have to have some alternative “plan” for what to do, should this be the way she decides to go.

We are at the end of everything we know to try with CECILIA. She is a genuinely nice person, fun to be around, and seems to have many friends at Wesleyan. CECILIA and I enjoy going to country music concerts together, and we enjoy being with her when she is home and on our family vacations. The things I have described here don’t tell the whole story, and are slanted negatively to try to illustrate the problems with which we have dealt. When we try to talk with her about anything related to academics, she becomes very sullen and sometimes even confrontational with us. I don’t think we are “in-your-face” kind of parents, and I think we have tried to be lenient and patient with her. It is very frustrating to talk with her about her grades; I detest having to be the “school police” with her and the way it negatively affects our relationship as mother-daughter. We ask her through the semester how things are going with her classes, and always hear all about the good tests, etc; when her grades have come each of her four semesters, we are always surprised and disappointed based on what she has told us through the semester. We have deliberately not been more demanding about hearing specifically how she is doing, feeling that she is an adult and how she does is her responsibility.

I know that this is very, very long, and I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read it. We love CECILIA with all our hearts and will do anything to help her to discover her way to success. We are very grateful for the guidance and encouragement that you have already given us, and truly look forward to working together with you to help our daughter.

With Sincerest Gratitude,










June 28, 2002

Hi *****,

I wanted to be sure you had this information on {1st college’s} Counseling Service before CECILIA’s appointment Monday. It seems that they have 2 psychologists on staff that are available to see students. I have not called them to see how this is arranged. Would it be better if you called so you could describe exactly what she will need? Or would you rather I make the initial contact? Either way is fine with me, as long as I know what to ask if I am the one who makes the call. I have no problem if you want to tell CECILIA that you printed out the Wesleyan information from your computer (rather than it coming from me).

I assume you received my message that CECILIA will be seeing Dr. Carol ***** on Tuesday at 4:45. I left a message with Dr. Carol that you wanted to talk with her; hopefully you can touch bases with her before CECILIA’s appointment on Tuesday to fill her in on what you have in mind for treatment. I will be out of town all next week, so CECILIA will be going alone to both her appointment with you on Monday as well as her appointment with Carol on Tuesday. Dan will be in town; you can reach him any time at either the office or at home. {dad’s}cell phone # is ***-****.

Some other thoughts/observations Dan and I have had this week: CECILIA may still be trying to “diet” by skipping meals. There have been several (maybe 5 or 6) times this week that she has said she “was not hungry” when we have been deciding what to do for dinner, and has not eaten. She definitely tends toward carbohydrates when she does eat, and since she is partially vegetarian she already opts out of many protein sources (she will eat eggs, cheese, fish, and chicken, but eats no red meat other than chili.)

She also has still been staying up very late, even when she has had to be up early for class. She has had 2 take home tests this week, and has told us that some of the info for these has to be found on the internet. She has spent a great deal of time on the internet, and when she is online she nearly always has instant messenger open. Last night she had the last of the take home tests to complete, and it appeared to me that instant messenger was the only thing she was actually doing. I went to bed at 12:30 and she was still online. I understand that there are other problems in the total picture of CECILIA, but from my point of view the internet/instant messenger borders on being compulsive with her. She has a computer at school (Wesleyan is a ThinkPad institution, everyone has laptops), and most kids keep instant messenger on 24/7. I just don’t know how well she can focus on the work that has to be done when she has the pleasant distraction of the computer. I have true concerns about the state of her health because of the eating habits and lack of proper sleep.

{Dad} and I have talked a great deal about the anorexia issue. It appears from our recollection that if she was trying to sharply control her food intake in high school, it may have been a precursor to all the acute medical problems she had as a junior. It at least was happening very close to the time that the medical issues were ongoing. Also, I mentioned that she had been taking Prozac and stopped it cold turkey without our knowledge, and that she also quit taking all the meds that the Dr. from Alabama prescribed for her to try to resolve the medical issues. Later she also quit Ritalin on her own. All of these things point to the same sort of control issues that the anorexia indicates. It seems that perhaps in her mind, since she was so out of control of what happened to her academically, she sought to control food and the meds she was taking. I guess the amount of time she spends on the computer also would fall into this category, along with “deciding” not to get enough sleep. Unfortunately, all these things she has tried to control seem to have had a very detrimental effect on her mental (and physical) health.

{Dad} and I asked CECILIA early this week if she would like to invite a friend to go along on our family trip to FL in late July. CECILIA has asked 4 or 5 friends, none of whom have been able to go because of prior plans. We have encouraged her to continue to ask other friends, just so she can have a peer to have fun with instead of just her younger siblings. I feel really sorry for her that no one has been able to go…she keeps saying it doesn’t matter, but when we told her she could bring a friend she was very excited. Obviously we don’t want her to ask someone she really doesn’t want to spend 10 days with in FL…so perhaps by the time she sees you on Monday this will be resolved one way or the other. You could probably find out by just asking if the family has any vacation plans for the summer.

Another thing that you may not have learned from CECILIA is that she has a very strong faith in God. I think this has been a strong support for her, and it may be a useful tool to encourage her in this direction at some point in your treatment.

Dan and I have also talked this week about how CECILIA seems to be affected by my medical problems. I will be trying to be more aware of what I say to her about how I feel and how I say it; I will try to point out the good days and not say much about the bad ones. Just knowing that she is so sensitive about how I feel will help me to be more aware of what I say. I appreciate your telling us that this seems to be an issue for her.

So I guess those are all the developments from the week. I cannot tell you how much peace we have received from knowing that you are working with CECILIA. You learned more from her in one visit than the other psychologists seemed to get in months of therapy! We are actually relieved to be starting to get a handle on what her problems might be, and look forward to helping her to get better with meds and your therapy with her. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping CECILIA to feel better!


PS. Should you want to contact me in Florida, I will be staying at {dad’s} mom’s condo…
1-***-***-****. You can also reach me at any time on my cell phone…***-****.

curves, the 'womens exercise place' down the street is having a bake sale. proceeds for the soup kitchen. they could just bake the things and take them to the soup kitchen. but this way, they get to eat too. hmm.

rant number 2.
why is fat measured in grams? a unit of weight. at least calories are measured in units of energy. it sounds so much more positive.

/rant


ps-benji loves macaroni and cheese. i knew i liked this dog for a reason!

Rocco and Jezebel - Specializing In Pet Carriers; Pet Beds; Pet Gifts; Pet Bowls; And Many More Pet Items

how cute is this? benji weighs exactly 1/4 of what i do! and that is the most mention of how much i weigh i will probably ever post :-)

this is sarah, daniel, joe, and me... joe is the one sarah wants to set me up with. we went to dinner last night.

 

How evil are you?

How evil are you?

Uhhh...

Quiz Galaxy: "

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

"

i'm so lovable

Benji's friend Lucky came to visit in our yard

Halloween

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Your Type is
INFP
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
44 25 38 11


INFP type description by D.Keirsey
INFP type description by J. Butt



Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
moderately expressed introvert

moderately expressed intuitive personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

slightly expressed perceiving personality

am i being a hypochondriac (or whatever you call it in relation to mental problems)

or does this describe me to a T?

Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

this is approximately what i have eaten today... in order

what kind of weird ED do i have? haha

ice cream
cheesecake
ice cream w/ dark choc syrup
popcorn (plain with spray pam and sea salt... yummy... i promise!)
2 chicken breasts, one baked with cinnamon on top, the other with a bit of garlic salt.

Auto response from Cecilia: WHY DONT PEOPLE GET IT I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DATE ANYONE. NOW. TOMORROW. EVER.
Jenn: we should live togethers someday in an NSO way cause i dont ever wanna date either which means no marriage which means ill be alone

Jenn: ive got adderall if you want it
Auto response from Cecilia: WANT TO DIE.
had new psych appt this morning w. phys asst. he doesnt 'feel comfortable' prescribing ritalin because i'm depressed. he wants to treat the depression first. i've spent years treating the depression and it doesnt work. i finally found something to work for the adhd. and he wont fucking help me. 20 of prozac AGAIN and 25 of strattera AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
crying. i never cry. what the fuck is wrong with me. now i'll never make it through school. I HAVE ADHD. YOU GIVE PEOPLE WITH ADHD RITALIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cecilia: i've got rits for now (dad refilled it for me last week bc i was gonna run out b4 i could get in to see new psych)
Cecilia: im so frustrated/upset/depressed/sad/crying
Jenn: oh its a NEW psych?
Cecilia: yea
Cecilia: PA (physician's asst)
Cecilia: i did intake eval thing like weeks ago
Jenn: but you've been on proz and strat before and it didnt work?
Cecilia: finally got into see this one for an eval
Cecilia: YEA
Jenn: wtf
Cecilia: SO I KEPT TELLING HIM
Cecilia: hes like, well in europe, they use prozac for add and ed's.
Cecilia: i told him the strat doesnt work
Jenn: sorry to say, you need a diff psych that listens
Jenn: just cause it works in fucking europe doesnt mean its gonna work for you
Jenn: what an idiot
Cecilia: he was like, well if you're taking the stimulants, it just helps your for a little bit or whatever
Cecilia: i was like DUHHHHH
Cecilia: thats how it fucking works asshole
Cecilia: im sooo...
Cecilia: i dont even know
Jenn: hahaaaa
Cecilia: want to drop out
Cecilia: i told him, its the only thing getting me through school.
Jenn: can dad keep refilling for you?
Jenn: til u get a new psych?
Jenn: or is it a controlled substance or something
Jenn: i forget
Cecilia: i'm going to fail out if i'm not on it. he sorta 'uhh humm'd' me and prob thought i was a drug seeking twit.
Cecilia: i told him the list of stuff i'd been on.
Cecilia: TOLD HIM I"D BEEN ON EVERY DOSE UP TO 80
Cecilia: >:o>:o>:o
Cecilia: why the fuck am i so upset about this???
Cecilia: OHHH
Cecilia: plus
Jenn: why does he think its gonna be diff this time??
Cecilia: when i first got there, u go in and pay or check in at the front desk. i did that. its my first appt other than the eval that was just in the back room. THEY NEGLECTED TO TELL ME THAT I HAD TO GO DOWNSTAIRS TO WAIT. THE RECEPTIONISTS SAT THERE AND KNEW I WAS THERE. WAITED AN HOUR THERE UNTIL I ASKED IF I WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. SHE WAS LIKE, OH, NO YOU NEED TO BE DOWNSTAIRS.
Cecilia: >:o>:o>:o
Jenn: OMGGGG
Cecilia: yea.
Jenn: i had a psych just like that once!!
Jenn: i think we ended up putting a hold on the check or somethign and refused to pay
Jenn: cause he was such an idiot
Cecilia: maybe i go back to the one i had been seeing. i was gonna go to this one bc my sister said its easier to get into. and closer. its like 5 min away, in town. the old one was 45 min away (most of the way to pit) and hard to get into
Cecilia: but HE WAS NICE.
Jenn: the new one?
Cecilia: old one was 45 min away
Cecilia: new one in town
Jenn: ooooh
Cecilia: OHH
Jenn: no, go to old one
Cecilia: yea i think i might
Cecilia: this one dumb.
Jenn: i've been thru 5-6 psychs before i found the one i see now
Jenn: make appt now with old one so u dont run out of meds. or can u call and be like i need a refill and have them phone it in?
Cecilia: yea i going to make appt right now... doubt they'll refill the ritalin though, its not the most recent one i've been on...
Cecilia: i dunno
Cecilia: >:o im just so frustrated with the whole thing
Cecilia: i told the guy today that i'm going to fail out of school. he was sorta like, oh well. take the prozac and strattera.
Cecilia: :'(
Jenn: asshole
Cecilia: yea
Cecilia: i calling
Jenn: i'm gonna fail out too. then we can live together in a hole
Cecilia: CANT SEE ME UNTIL FUCKING JANUARY
Jenn: WHAT!!!
Jenn: tell them its an emergency. u wanna die
Cecilia: i asked if they have canc list
Cecilia: ugh then they tell me to call 911
Cecilia: it says on the recording.
Jenn: they have cancel list?
Cecilia: no
Jenn: wtf???
Cecilia: 'we have so many patients that we wouldnt be able to keep track. to tell u the truth most pts dont canc bc its so hard to get in.'
Cecilia: :'( wtf am i supposed to do.
Jenn: thats a load of bs. stuff comes up. people cancel. they are just LAZY. i had that same prob with ick. i was like fuck you
Cecilia: i gon call back place i went today and tell them i want appt w the girl
Jenn: k get out the phonebook and find a new one
Cecilia: instead of 'rodney'
Cecilia: one i saw today
Jenn: yeah
Jenn: totally new one
Cecilia: they're all booked out that far. tried that option before.
Cecilia: she in same office.
Cecilia: as todays
Cecilia: just diff PA, but under same MD
Jenn: whats with the lack of good psychs
Jenn: cait needs to hurry up and get MD thing
Jenn: can your reg doc give you ritalin?
Cecilia: dunno. mite try that.
Cecilia: hope she no freak out abt weight
Jenn: then just make jan appt with old psych and you'll have meds til then
Jenn: it bad?
Cecilia: not really bad but she might not like
Jenn: whats food nazi say? she like love it? lol
Cecilia: lol loves when i gain hates when i lose now
Jenn: oh wow i thought she still liked when you lost. lol cause she all weird liek that
Cecilia: been w/in same 5 lb for like 6 mo or more
Cecilia: was at first
Jenn: is she like oh wow maybe ed people shouldnt lose weight
Jenn: brb need snot tissue
Cecilia: FUCKING BITCH
Cecilia: MAKING ME SEE RODNEY (TODAYS GUY) AND TALK TO HIM ABT THAT BEFORE I CAN CHANGE.
Cecilia: :'(
Cecilia: freaking out. how the hell am i gonna be normal for patient in an hourl.
Cecilia: igg
Cecilia: gotta take benji to landlords bc she wants to babysit him.
Cecilia: :'(
Cecilia: bye.





Saturday

(Jenn and i were talking about family therapy. the beginning of this, i'm referring to my parents and me in fam T a while ago.)

Cecilia: 'no we have no problems. it all her'
Jenn: hahaa. of course
Jenn: they ever blame on sis too?
Cecilia: well i dunno if they really blame stuff on sis and me... not outright, but if they going to fam t, its for me not them
Jenn: yeah
Cecilia: though around january mom was seeing MY t
Cecilia: exactly.
Jenn: oh yeah i rem that. major boundary breaking
Cecilia: for real. i quit bc i got tired of the lies.
Cecilia: not that id tell T abt it
Cecilia: did i ever show u letters my mom sent my T that i found on her old computer she let me use til i got my own
Cecilia: sometime when i go back to apt i send to u
Jenn: u told me about. i never saw
Cecilia: yea.
Cecilia: they're special.
Jenn: oh man
Jenn: how were they saved that u found them?
Cecilia: i esp like the part when my mom said in the second one (after i'd seen T for 1st time) "wow, you learned more about her in 1 session than the rest of them have in years!"
Cecilia: just in her "my documents"
Jenn: OMG. they were talking about your sessions?
Cecilia: named TB and TB2 i think
Cecilia: "***** ******" (T's name)
Cecilia: yea.
Jenn: What. The. Fuck.
Jenn: u ever tell her u found
Cecilia: I was fooled into thinking that if i signed that paper, that it was just so she could send copy of that educational testing she did to them and tehy could talk about that if they needed to.
Cecilia: no
Cecilia: bc im nonconfrontational
Jenn: i woulda killed T and had war with mom
Cecilia: if i ever go back i hope i have strength to. but i def majorly transferrence feelings abt mom onto her. and after that she acted just like my mom and i didnt feel quite as attached to T as i had.
Cecilia: they all would say 'we're just trying to help'
Cecilia: ohh and they talked about me and my ana... this is LONG before i came out abt it. like OVER A YEAR before.
Jenn: sometimes my mom calls my T when i dont know and never tells me but T always tells me about it. annoys me that she calls but i know T would never tell her stuff i didnt want
Jenn: omg
Jenn: t told your mom you had it?
Cecilia: no, mom mentioned it in first letter, how it had seemed kinda bad in high school when i was having other health problems (dep, anxiety, headaches, passing out)
Cecilia: and abt how 'in the last week 5-6 times when they asked me if i was hungry for dinner, i'd either said no or said i'd already ate'
Cecilia: :-!
Jenn: thats crazy. how old were u?
Cecilia: high school or when the letters were written
Jenn: letters
Cecilia: 20!!!
Jenn: !!!!
Jenn: thats so illegal!!
Cecilia: i dont understand how all this would be helpful behind my back.
Cecilia: T later told me something about how "she had looked up online info about the counseling center at old college, for when i went back" that was before i decided to transfer...
Cecilia: and in letter mom sent that stuff. told T she could say T looked it up if she wanted. and she did.
Jenn: holy shit
Jenn: thats like not even a thing she needs to lie about. geez how could you know when she was ever saying anything truthful?
Cecilia: exactly.
Cecilia: that why i quit.
Cecilia: i apparently get attached to people who emotionally abuse me like that. like not mean stuff, but behind my back.
Cecilia: go me.
Cecilia: manipulative
Jenn: you like need a brand new T that has no contact with parents
Cecilia: lol
Cecilia: yea
Cecilia: even if i saw group one i would still have issues with that...
Jenn: just to process that crap. cause thats fucked up now its so hard for you to trust anyone
Cecilia: i love her and would see her (group T) for indiv
Jenn: she would have contact with parents or you'd just have hard time trusting?
Cecilia: but she not great with confidentiality stuff... if there something she thought other people in group (or my rents) would need to know she'd prob tell them. and i dont trust my parents to know stuff. ugh
Jenn: omg lol. isnt the number 1 requirement to be a therapist CONFIDENTIALITY
Jenn: SO important
Cecilia: she does support group (open to friends/family and ed'ers) every other monday night, and therapy group every thurs. very close grp of people on thurs. kinda like frew gets, but more in real life, then camp-like atmosphere of frew
Cecilia: so i dont know.
Jenn: i'd set groundrules from the beginning. dont bring up my stuff in group. if i want to i will. and no contact with parents unless suicidal
Cecilia: lol i wouldnt even want it then
Cecilia: haha
Cecilia: id be like then u can call jenn
Cecilia: lol and then id talk to u
Cecilia: not to burden u
Jenn: hahaaa
Cecilia: lol bc if i knew she gon call rents whenever i say i suicidal id never tell her
Jenn: that why i never tell
Jenn: haha
Jenn: i learned that when i got committed
Cecilia: lol
Cecilia: Maryland Boy: visit my myspace home page
CECILIA: it was sunny today
Maryland Boy: the song there on my page is dedicated to you
CECILIA: lol ok
CECILIA: and ur name isnt workaholic
CECILIA: its russell
CECILIA: even i know that
Maryland Boy: lol
CECILIA: ok the dmb or the video ;-)
Maryland Boy: DMB
CECILIA: awww
CECILIA: i never heard it before
Jenn: aww he dedicated a song to you
Cecilia: i know
Cecilia: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=3639674&Mytoken=623F481E-C8DB-8402-9A4F111D3D4D379637653983
Cecilia: (DMB-Dream girl lyrics)

I would dig a hole all the way to China
Unless of course I was there
then I’d dig my way home
If by diggin’ I could steal
the wind from the sails
of the greedy men who ruled the world

Still you’re my best friend
And after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’, I was Dreamin’ of a
Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl

I was feelin’ like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass,
in the park, in the middle
of a hot afternoon
Your top was untied
And I thought how nice
It’d be to follow the sweat down your spine

You’re like my best friend
and after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’, I was Dreamin’ of a
Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl

Caught by a wave
my back to the ocean
it knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again
Dreamgirl, aww Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl

(Scat….trails off)

*Deep in, Deep in
Deep in, Deep in
Deep in

Jenn: haha he dreaming of you naked sorta
Cecilia: omg dogs running REALLY REALLY fast
Jenn: hahaa
Jenn: all of them?
Cecilia: yup
Cecilia: and loud
Cecilia: now they resting
Jenn: hahaa
Jenn: tor still wired from the walk
Jenn: im like calm down, im sleepy!
Jenn: lol
Jenn: it wears me out
Jenn: lil too. shes napping
Jenn: tor like i wanna go outside and run lots and play BALLLL
Cecilia: he just told me other song he put back up abt me too... american baby by dmb abt me too... "Stay beautiful baby" in the lyrics... i not sure if i like that or not
Jenn: hmm yeah
Jenn: i dont think i do
Jenn: what if u get wrinkley?
Jenn: lol
Cecilia: i know. or fat.
Cecilia: im so good at getting nothing done.
Cecilia: he doesnt know about ed
Cecilia: lol
Cecilia: or the guy that my friend trying to set me up with... seems like nice guy... skinny and cute in a geeky way
Jenn: i wanna test people sometimes. like brian asshole, if i was with him i'd wanna get really fat and see if he didnt like me as much. i want to prove to men that they are assholes haha. but i dont feel like getting fat so i prob never do that
Cecilia: i could totally improve his look. lol.
Cecilia: lol
Jenn: hahaaa
Jenn: i dont like guys skinner than me haha
Cecilia: i started dating ray like 2 weeks outta frew
Cecilia: lol
Jenn: wow
Cecilia: so he saw me (well kinda fattened up after frew) until highest weight...
Cecilia: never said anything about it, just told me i looked good.
Jenn: i think the real test for relationships is when the woman gets preg lol. see mans reaction to all the fat
Cecilia: hehe
Cecilia: i always feel like im not told the whole story. lol u think that comes from T and rents trust issues?
Cecilia: haha
Jenn: i carry lil around in doggy sack thing and shes like 15 pounds. maybe a little less if she's lost from all the walking. but i was imagining if that was inside me and i think just 15 pounds i'd kill myself
Cecilia: like they really think i look gross, or something wrong with me...
Jenn: i always think that too
Jenn: like its all a joke
Jenn: or someone made a bet
Cecilia: yea

(EDIT OUT SOME CONTENT UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN)

Jenn: benji dressing up for monday?
Cecilia: i dunno
Cecilia: i want him to be dracula or frankenstein
Jenn: aww!
Cecilia: cute costumes on petco
Jenn: lol
Jenn: tor doesnt want a costume and if i did lil, shes gonna be a student but i dont have a camera so whats the point lol
Cecilia: aww
Jenn: dinner ready. brb
Cecilia: k

Women's Apparel - Sale - UrbanOutfitters.com

if only i had the balls to wear this...

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=9786&itemType=PRODUCT&iMainCat=10&iSubCat=594&iProductID=9786

Google Search: depression

George Santayana
Depression is rage spread thin

Depression is the inability to construct a future.
Rollo May

Many people think that depression is something you just have to live with when you get older, but it's not.
Tom Bosley

Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.
David D. Burns

Kate Beckinsale Quotes

Kate Beckinsale Quotes: "No one is more enslaved than a slave who doesn't think they're enslaved.
Kate Beckinsale "

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you


recently came to more realizations about my mom and my own fears (or rather hers projected onto me). i get more done therapeutically when i'm not in therapy.

rents are out of town. i dog/house sitting. dad back monday night. mom home in few weeks maybe.

been uber depressed lately. of course, unknown etiology. its funny, sometimes it just all of a sudden hits me. like one hour i'll be alright, not great but alright... then the next hour i can't imagine what it will be like to ever get out of that class or drive or off the couch, etc. weird too because i've been doing a little better in school... i didnt get any midterms somehow (like deficiencies) and i lived through that last round of tests...

have first real new psych appt tomorrow... with a PA... not the one i want to see, but they couldnt get me in with her for another month or so, so i guess tomorrow i'll see this guy. we'll see how it goes. when they did the intake thing (an hour or so of questionaires) i told lady i had dep/ed but that i wasnt there for that. she was like you dont want treated for it? what do you want? i was like 'meds for my ADHD'. she confused but eventually got it. please let them just give me the rit script and not have to go through any more drama to get them.

i love how ANY time i'm down at all at food nazi weigh ins she blurts out "you're not starving yourself are you" haha i usually tell her "of course not, i wouldnt do that." haha shes funny. its a good day when u can piss off your food nazi with the number on a scale just like you can piss yourself off with one.

^^ should have been prefaced with the fact that i have been gaining and losing and gaining the same 5 pounds since the day i started seeing her. i call that maintaining. what more do they want from me?


In brief: Anorexia treatment: When less is more
Harvard Mental Health Letter.
In brief: Anorexia treatment: When less is more is available only when you purchase this issue of Harvard Mental Health Letter and are Signed In (you are Signed Off). If you have already purchased this publication, Sign In here.

lol

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

What's your sea life type?

Your great-grand-turtles knew the dinosaurs personally. That means your heritage of buoyant living runs deep. Some folks call you slow, but it's more like velocity-indifference. You've earned the right to take your time. So even in the face of a threatening predator, you remain unhurried. Then again, that could also have something to do with your shortsightedness outside of water.

Comfortable on land but at home on the high seas, you bask on the surface most days, a silent host to flittering friends, only to retreat in search of snacks throughout the night. Getting close to you requires overcompensating for that impenetrable shell and exposing your inner sensitivity. It's the only way to avoid the lifetime of solitude that commonly plagues many other green sea turtles.

Sign my wall! now!!! :-) put whatever you want on there!

ETA- dammit i pushed the wrong thing and it erased everything! post on it again! :-) and no exclamation points and stuff, they dont work (dont ask me why!!!)

long update

i set the comments so you have to be a registered user to make comments about my blog. hopefully that will help the whole spam-comments-about-diet-plans thing.

we had a test on tuesday. someone asked the prof weds if she had graded them, she had done all but about 9. she said so far most of the class had failed. in the words of ron white, "Theres some good news."

this week was midterm. as far as i know, i'm passing (or pretty close to passing) all my classes... clinic is going well, i have like a 96 in there which im pretty excited about, until you add in my xray grades, which will lower it a bit, i've had around a 90 on all of those so far. that is BY FAR my best class though. most of the rest of my classes i dont even have B's in, i'm like scraping the bottom of the barrel just to keep my head above water. the grading scale in this dept sucks though... its about the same for most of the classes

A 100-93 B 92-84 C 83-75 failing=below 75. thats pretty much what it is, though some of the middle numbers switch for some classes, like an 85 being the lowest B, etc. STRESS!

i've been eating more the last couple weeks. not every day. but in general. weight still same its been since at least May, so i guess at least im not getting worse? at group the other night, someone asked me about my symptoms, "are you ana or mia?" i said well, i guess im a bingeing ana, but then anita kinda looked at me, and i said well i guess thats not a thing, so i guess im a restricting mia? yay i've officially joined the ranks of the cool mias. i feel like i need to be let in on the secret handshake or something.

i told that story to tell this one. the other night i was at rents house. mom had stopped at really good candy store/factory on way down from pit other day, (laur and cait, its the one that makes awesome choc covered pretzels... if you cant figure it out, you're excommunicated from the entire pit metropolitan area.) anyway, she bought some bags of the good dark chocolate covered pretzels. had a bag sitting out. i ate a bunch. she ate a couple first, but then went in other room or something. by the time she came back, she reached over, kinda picked up the bag and looked at me like 'where did they go?' umm where do you think they went dumbass. i looked at her and said 'im bulimic leave me alone!' and she said (kinda joking i think) "you better not have bulimic'd those! they're expensive and good pretzels!" as if i took the good china to a greek wedding and smashed it on the floor. Opa!

ok im sure she was trying to be funny. but then i felt really bad for having eating any of them. which makes me never want to eat any of their food again. which is also not a good thing.

I confessed today to jenn that i think i have an ED. hahaha i told her "you know u have an ed when u refuse to eat full fat cottage cheese, but will eat an entire container of lofat cc." lucky for me i buy the small ones that only have like 4 servings each, but it was like 48g pro! plus 2 bananas... plus a couple crackers, plus some more choc covered pretz bc my mom bought me my own bag (even though she knows how i dont like having snack foods around! thats like #1 binge trigger aside from constant self loathing and needing to make the shit in my head stop). then tonight i made 2 teriyaki chicken breasts from market day (I BAKED! in the toaster oven but is still counts!) benji had most of one, and i had one. he actually ate in my apartment. he usually refuses and waits to see if my mom gives him better stuff at her house.

life is still so cluttered. mind, apt, car, physically and mentally cluttered. i've been better about being on time, havent slept through anything in a long time (major victory) and am usually awake by the first few times my alarm goes off. i know its hard for my teachers and classmates to understand, but really i try sooo hard to be on time, i really want to be, i dont like being singled out for being late, or irresponsible, or forgetting homeworks, or whatever else. last weekend i cleaned up my room a bit. i washed all my clinic uniforms (which was about enough for a week... they need washed EVERY WEEK bc we only have 4 sets and wear at least 3 every week), and hung up/sorted almost all the rest of the clothes that were laying around my room. i have a bunch of sweaters and stuff that i plan on getting dry cleaned sometime so i can actually wear them when it gets cold enough. i also did a minorly massive (is that an oxymoron?) shopping spree last week... i was kinda feeling down about, well, everything. so i went shopping with the intention of getting boots... i did, i posted the pic a few entries ago, but i still want/need brown boots and some that are more casual than those (though i really like them). i went to the pet store, the gap (btw, our gap is now a gap outlet, which basically has the same stuff as the regular one but alot cheaper! score!), old navy, payless (where i got the 2 pairs of shoes), circuit city, dept stores and AE but didnt buy anything there...

at circuit city, i did get this adorable flash drive (that is still in its case somewhere and i've misplaced it already!!! doh!) and some johnny cash, shelby lynne, and janis joplin cd's.


cant think of anything else to update at the moment.

obligatory benji picture: benji stalking mom's new chin, oliver.

poems

poems: Diseased Culture
By LA Crompton
Looking back
on all the encouragement
and respect
and compliments
I received from others
when I was
killing myself
through starvation
It is clear
that I was not
the only
sick
one

my wall

Click here to sign my Graffiti Wall! (Powered
by
PicLibs.com)

excerpt from email to anita

Hey Anita :-) thanks for thinking of me... I don't know about the retreat. I'm already falling behind in school work, and am afraid to take that much time 'off'... looking at my schedule right now it looks like i won't really have a whole lot to do that next week aside from the normal grind, but i'm just not sure.

i'm feeling really stressed out and cluttered mentally and physically... physically because my apartment and my car are both disasters... i tried really hard to clean my apartment some this weekend, i hung a bunch of clothes up, put some away, etc... but thats just my bedroom... theres still stuff all over the living room, kitchen, and benji's bedroom... i just feel really bogged down, and the ED isnt helping any. I'm way behind on one particular assignment we have for pharmacology (he gave us a list of the top 200 drugs and we have to look them up and make index cards about them... we have weekly quizzes on 25 at a time, but they build up... i have a ton that still need done, and at the end of the 200, so in 3 weeks or so, they will be due. it is nice because it should be an easy grade, but nothing is easy with ADHD.) so far i've done decent/low decent on all my tests, in most of my classes below a 75 is failing, and there are a couple tests i've been on that borderline, but nothing that i can't pull up (GOD and ADHD WILLING!!!)

I have a friend in my class, Stephanie, that might be coming up to group with me in a couple weeks, i tried last week to talk her into coming with me tonight, but we have a huge midterm and a quiz tomorrow and not enough time to study for them already, so i dont think i'm going to make it up tonight either... i hope Amber makes it again, she seemed nice and in need of someone to hang out with other than her mother... parents annoy me, especially other peoples parents, but occasionally mine too. hers get to me.

i've got to go to class soon, but i hope to hear from you... hope everythings going well.

talk to you soon,
Cecilia

new shoes

Blah who cares what the scale says???

Wtf i'm not pro ana. Why am i trying to talk myself out of eating meals? trying to not fail test @ 5 but cant concntrate bc im fat.

from jenna:

Jenna: i watched the today show and they did a thing on cutting. warning sign- your child keeps disasembled razors or broken glass in their room. ummm, yeah?

surgery is back on for december, the week after finals.

eating has been... uhh... still going to food nazi...

i dont know why i keep getting those spammed comments posted... weird.

jenna has a very small inconspicuous almost unnoticable ass.

flins has turned me into a picture whore.



my new little for our DH class... shes really cute.

my "what i'll be doing in 10 years quote" from senior yearbook (from 2000... im old haha) and i think its something about the digi pic bc in real life my face didnt look THATTT chubby in the pic... i was chubby but not like "look at me i've got an extra face growing out of my chin" at that point. that was last year.

my new favorite jeans. well these and one other pair.

me in my smurf outfit. in the clinic i have a longsleeve blue jacket to go over this. hottt let me tell you.

Blogthings - Outrageous Name Generator

Your Outrageous Name is:

Enorma Sass

Outrageous Name Generator

1. indulge your cravings
2. don't skip meals
3. dont eat 'diet' foods
4. eat slowly
5. dont weigh yourself



i do usually indulge my cravings. i guess i'm 1/5th of the way to being a fit girl who doesnt diet.

WebMD Weight Loss Clinic

Wow, i didnt know you could be turned down for an online diet/nutrition plan... who knew the internet had a conscience? at least the website seems healthier than the goals they've given me at the foodnazi. whom i am scheduled to see tomorrow at 10. she might not be happy. but i will be :-) btw, 2 nights ago i had 50+ grams pro. in like one meal. well a meal and a snack. a veggie burger with cheese counts as a snack, right?




Your current weight is lower than the scientifically established norms. This corresponds to a Body Mass Index (BMI) of **.*. You should weigh at least *** pounds.

Your target weight is *** pounds. You already weigh less than the scientifically established physical norms. It is not reasonable to wish to lose any more weight. Given your height, you should weigh at least *** pounds.



Kathleen Zelman R.D.,
MPH, Director of Nutrition
"Our program works because we prescribe a flexible eating plan with the ability to eat according to your schedule. It's Nutritionally sound, and offers outstanding support from our experts and members. Most importantly, our realistic, personalized approach helps you lose weight gradually, so it can stay lost forever."

In your case, we cannot accept an order for a weight-loss diet plan. For your health's sake, please go and talk your problem over with your doctor.
Click here to return to the home page.

AOL News - Model Kate Moss Goes From Supermodel to Pariah

It's a sad day for the pro*ana community. lol.


AOL News - Model Kate Moss Goes From Supermodel to Pariah: "Klein "

Cartoon

The Word of the Day for September 15 is:

cannibalize \KAN-uh-buh-lyze\ verb

1 : to take parts from a machine for use in building or repairing another machine
*2 : to take sales away from an existing product by selling or being sold as a similar but new product usually from the same manufacturer
3 : to practice cannibalism

I want.

eBay: Pittsburgh Steelers #7 Ben Roethlisberger License Plate (item 5242840556 end time Sep-21-05 05:26:49 PDT)

i had a dream last night that i cleaned lorelai gilmores teeth and did a bad job and like smushed her up in the folding chair and pissed her off and everything. then she like ran away and i didnt get the instructors to check her out and was gon get in big trouble so i had to go hunt her down at a gas station and she really hated me.

my new bedding

i havent put it on the bed yet, and i got off white sheets but theyre the same style, green comforter, off white sheets, green pillow cases :-) it was time for a change.

After cleaning my mommies teeth

Mr Benji found a Preying Mantis

Mr Benji found a Preying Mantis!

Rachel and me at the Stillers game today

I WANT THIS.

The new haircolor

this is a poster for sale on ebay

















and mr benji being adorable!!!

jenn: i bought gatorade. dont know why. something about philly makes me crave it

wow bingeing on icecream for someone who is lactose intolerant is like self injury. O:-)

from monday before and after school

JENN: u excited for school? like, yay!
Me: no im like ALARM AND PHONE FUCK OFF BEFORE I COME THROW YOU IN THE TUB TO ELECTROCUTE EACH OTHER!!!
JENN: HAHAA
JENN: how long are classes
Me: it depends how long they hold us... but normal monday will be 8-4 but today starts at 9 bc of registration for classes
JENN: ewwwwww
JENN: 8-4
JENN: fla;djjafd
Me: yea
Me: clinic (like in the lab cleaning teeth soon) from 8-12 and dental materials lab from 1-4
Me: rest of days arent as long i dont think
JENN: at least its hands on
JENN: that make it fun
Me: yea
Me: but i dont wanna be there
JENN: lol
Me: i dont want to be with all those people from last year
JENN: yuck its all same people?
Me: i can already feel my face not wanting to smile and be fake and be like, yea i had a great summer!!!
Me: exactly same people
JENN: oh man
JENN: ajfldk;jfa
JENN: yeah i lost fakeness a while ago. no energy for it
Me: there will be first years around too, but all diff classes
JENN: i just act ADD and spaced out and ignore
Me: i know me too... im really feeling no energy for it
Me: and feeling like if i act too friendly people will expect it from now on
JENN: i know! i was known as such a "nice girl" like for fucking EVER and i sick of playing the part of nice all the time
JENN: if a person is nice that much, something is WRONG
Me: yea i know
JENN: laur giving me directions
JENN: if i can do this and not get lost, we having party
Me: to her house?
JENN: yeah
Me: haha yay
JENN: editing online directions cause they suck
Me: ooh u could go to therapy group on thursday
JENN: but im def liking msn maps better than mapquest
Me: hehe
Me: unless u wanna go to UC every day (hehe laur abbreviations :-) )
JENN: what uc
JENN: oh
JENN: uptown cofee?
Me: yup
JENN: good guess me!
Me: yay
JENN: on a roll and no sleep
Me: grr i need shower
Me: k i make list here of what i need to do
Me: shower
Me: makeup
Me: hair
Me: clothes
Me: pick up bag and purse
Me: put planner in bag
Me: take credit cards for school books
JENN: i have to make all detailed too or ill forget step like "lather"
Me: hehe
JENN: lol
Me: i should put u on speaker phone so u can remind me
Me: i was thinkin about taking bath too but think ill fall asleep
JENN: what time u have to leave
Me: 815
Me: igg... stuffs to do school to hate
Me: text if u bored
JENN: fun
JENN: u too
Me: yea
JENN: u prob be boreder
Me: prob will
JENN: i gon have breakfast now. no point in going bed
JENN: lol
JENN: have awesome day!
JENN: :-P
Me: hahaha thanks you too... take naplater
JENN: def
JENN: byeeeee
Me: bye :-)
JENN is away at 8:28:24 AM.
JENN returned at 10:21:17 PM.
JENN is away at 10:22:57 PM.
JENN: how was it

Auto response from Me: shower, put mask, i mean makeup on, hair, books, drive, class... i can handle this i can handle this i can handle this... fake it til u make it...

Me: hey
Auto response from JENN: shower. i am a fat greaseball

JENN: hiii
Me: how are u
JENN: picking a zit
JENN: how u
JENN: how was schooool
Me: lol
Me: ugh
Me: like, not horrible like anything i cant handle class wise today
Me: but tomorrows another story
JENN: whats then
Me: pharmacology&anesthesiology (thats one class) then dental hygiene lecture 3, then dental hygiene senior research
Me: :-!
JENN: fljkadkakljdassd
JENN: ewww
JENN: when u off?
Me: tomorrow u mean?
Me: 9-12, 1-5
Me: http://www.perfectedsouls.com/forum/style_avatars/Animals_and_Pets/cow.JPG
Me: OMG and guess what i realized tonight
JENN: HAHA
JENN: what
Me: T group that ive been really getting into and loving
JENN: gon stop?
Me: meets on thursdays at 6. it takes me over an hour to get there but i go every week bc i like it.
Me: I JUST REALIZED I HAVE CLASS THURSDAYS FROM 5-7.
Me: :'(
JENN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo
Me: know
JENN: can it change?
Me: no
JENN: omg that isnt fair
Me: like not a chance in hell
JENN: :-(
Me: its like a sign for me to be more disordered
JENN: does group meet any other times?
JENN: ever
Me: like it was the thing that i thought might get me through a semester...
JENN: or change for u
JENN: why life have to suck like that?
JENN: grrr
Me: not that one... like some of the people go to support group also which meets every other monday night (which is feasible for me to get to) but its not the same, not the same people, etc, plus its open, like parents and friends and husbands etc... so it ends up being alot about education for people
JENN: just so not fair
Me: i dont know
JENN: whats the class
Me: periodontology
Me: :-!
JENN: what that?
JENN: gum disease?
Me: seriously i just feel so discouraged too
Me: yup pretty much...
JENN: can u study it on your own?
JENN: like get medical note?
JENN: im all about medical excuses lol
Me: lol i was thinking about it... but i dont know.
Me: plus it hard to explain to classmates
Me: <---loser
JENN: fuck the damn classmates. they no count in this
JENN: people have shit in life
JENN: not their business
Me: yea
JENN: i mean, if its gonna be a big factor in helping u get thru the semester, try find out if there is a way u can do something about the class
JENN: its only one instead of all
Me: yea...
Me: i dont know how challenging its gonna be or anything
JENN: poooooooo
Me: i think i gon blog this convo if u dont mind

ODE TO A MUTT

ODE TO A MUTT

Born in an alley, one of six was I, no right to live, too tough to die. Worn out mother, father unknown, runt of the litter, in a world alone.
Raised in the streets by wits alone, taken in twice by what I hoped was home. Not well bred the people would say, can't keep him when he looks that way.
Legs too long, head too small, didn't notice the heart at all. Look at me deep I wanted to say, I'll give you love, please let me stay. Somewhere I know there's a place for me, where I can share love someone will see. Someone will look beneath my fur and skin, see my soul and take me in.

Author Unknown

File Not Found

BN mp NM snm: what really is the point to blogs?
jenn: narcissism? lol
BN mp NM snm: :-)

this will be under one of the other boxes up top

They have Pittsburgh, Philly, New York, Atlanta... that about covers everyone who reads this ;-)

i hate forwarded emails but this one was kinda nice

Some people understand life better, and they call some of these people "retarded"... At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the
100-yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them. One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said,

"This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story... Why? Because deep down we know this one thing:

What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. If you pass this on, we may be able to change our hearts as well as someone else's.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"

home.

anyway, i'm home now... didnt know it was possible to gain 7 pounds in a week but apparently it is! i HATE buffets. i did wear swimsuits... and wasnt always dying about it. sister and i had many 'she's such a bitch' moments this week too. it was funny though, our relationship is so bipolar bc the other half of the time we got along great. oh wait, maybe its because SHE is bipolar. blahhhh.

on vaca

vaca is alrite so far... sis and i have both had moodswings enough to piss each other off a few times. mom getting pissed off really easily. ive been telling her "communicate with words!" bc she (and whoever else, sister, dad) will be standing waiting for each other to do something, but neither knows what the other expects so neither's expectations are met and both are disappointed... so then after i tell mom that she gets all pissed/mad/sad... its not my fault none of my family communicates, and that i seem to be the only one who recognizes it. the whole fucking family needs therapy but who am i to tell them. id rather just leave. pittsburgh, philly, westchester, maybe i'll move there soon. or maybe somewhere down here... st maartin and st thomas were really pretty... and some great snorkeling/diving... they have dentists here... maybe i could get a job. i met a guy who lives down here, hes from punxsatawny... yea like the groundhog. he was cute too. too bad i didnt get a picture. mom wanted me to give him my email address... but i dont like boys. mom was saying things later like 'if kristen would have played her cards right...' as if im interested in boys. im uploading a couple pix right now, ill try to email them to jenn (bc her email is easy to remember!) and then she can post a link in the comments... pwease? hehe, well i pay by the minute for internet (50cnts a min! whoever heard of that!) home soon. hang in there people.


laur, if u want to go to that weekend of anitas, i need to let her know asap, to see if she can still take more people. email her if u want pened1 @ aol.com

in miami

leaving in an hour or so for the cruise... or to go stand in lines forever to get on the boat... lines to check in, get SeaPass cards (like ID/boat credit cards all in one), customs, etc etc... i should have brought seroquel. sister has hers, maybe i'll steal some. whats 25-50mg when you're on like 400? bad cecilia, bad cecilia *slaps self*. it was funny, we got along great yesterday, we were both in strange dumb manically giddy moods. now today shes minorly pissy, like anything i say questioning her my head gets chewed off and my parents sit there and just look at me like 'stop antagonizing.' wanted to xxx this morning but didnt... too much bathing suit time. its actually been a while since i did that... maybe even since school ended, so like 2 or 3 months maybe. blahhhh. i want to get 'lost' on one of these islands and just stay there. stay tuned folks... sis brought her computer and i have my digicam so i may be uploading photos as the week progresses. i didnt bring mine, but among my mom, dad, bro, sis, grandma, me, we have 3 computers going on this trip. 3!!! I'm not the only one in the family with an internet addiction! :-) Sis is sitting on the balcony of our room reading serial killer books, but is coming back in now, so talk to everyone later. bye :-)

Behind The Wall: Fraggle Rock Online

Behind The Wall: Fraggle Rock Online

Audioscrobbler :: User :: quenchless

Audioscrobbler :: User :: quenchless

jenn: im still hungry. what the fuckadoodle
BN mp NM snm: hmm.
BN mp NM snm: crackers?
BN mp NM snm: cheese
BN mp NM snm: yogurt
BN mp NM snm: not together
BN mp NM snm: haha
jenn: had doritos before so that covers cracker and cheese food groups

i didnt buy these. i thought the logo on the box was cute though.

proof that laur and i went out and were social for an ENTIRE evening we ate dinner too. booyah!

my mommy and daddy a long time ago. they look so happy. perhaps they were drinking.
obligatory benji pic. he's feeling much better.
is it just me or does it seem like someone with an ed came up with this?

i dont necessarily agree with this whole picture, but the part about u being a prick if u have a ribbon shaped magnet on the back of your car that 'supports' anything other than autism awareness, really makes me smile. fuck rubber bracelets and yellow or flag ribbons on cars.

leaving for cruise saturday

~leaving saturday

~not packed. at all. havent even started.

~havent done ANY laundry. im pretty sure i dont have enough clean underwear (that arent uncomfortable) to last until we leave.

~cancelled/cancelling surgery. possibly rescheduling during Christmas break.

~sooo dont want to go back to school in 18 days. not prepared. i dont remember a thing from last year. i should just drop out now and save myself and the school the embarassment of me failing board exams (or failing this or next semesters classes)

~def doing anita's weekend 'retreat' thing. laur, lemme know asap if u think u really might want to do it. its all weekend, fri-sunday afternoon, everything included, $350. u dont have to, but let me know, or email anita pened1@aol.com

~benji is feeling MUCH better. his liver enzymes were way up bc he was on so much med. vet took him off both of them and put him on something to heal his liver.

~at therapy group tonight, i made myself feel like a huge histrionic faker, who only wants attention. maybe i shouldnt go back. but i kinda want to. i HATE that i dont *really* know what people there think of me, if they think im a big attention whore, or annoying, or if i'm just *there*. There is this other girl who is always there that most of us have a hard time dealing with, and they kinda talk about her behind her back and stuff, and i feel like they could be doing that about me too, like plotting secret ways to make me shut up bc all my ideas suck ass. could i BE any more self-loathing?

~really not looking forward to the whole swimsuit thing. or tanktops all the time. i've only been able to bring myself to wear them out of the house without something else over them a few times so far this summer, and you know its been like 105 here every day.

~email me if u want while im on the cruise. my mom will prob take her computer so i should be able to check it. quenchless@hotpop.com

Royal Caribbean International

Royal Caribbean International -  

OMGGG. So i was reading about the cruise we're taking next week, and reading the thing about what they do for people with food allergies and special food requirements and stuff... and THIS is on there. I will NOT be requiring this option, thankyouverymuch.


ENSURE
We do offer vanilla-flavored Ensure at no cost. This request must be either e-mailed or faxed a minimum of 6 weeks (45 days) in advance. Please e-mail a request to foodallergies@rccl.com and provide the name of passenger(s) requiring the beverage, their individual guest reservation numbers, vessel name, and voyage date. You may send a fax request to (305)539-6018 attn: Special Meals Request - Culinary Operations. Please be advised that faxed requests will not receive a response unless an e-mail address is provided.

Classmates - Cartoon

picture post

She has 16 months sober.



Reason number 5628461 that i want my nose amputated...



my cuzin kelsey... and my cute new dress from ebay... from hong kong! who else can say they've gotten mail from hong kong?


yea we know we're cute. they kind of look like a ying yang.

Who's here? WOOF!


You have to make this one big to read it... only in mt. leb would they put a printed letter up instead of spray paint.


The end of Laur and my desserts

As always, click the pictures to make them big

Laur and i eating dessert



Smile pretty!


My favorite tshirt (ignore stupid look on face, i wasnt ready for pic)


Reason I have the quote on the front page of my blog

pictures of me driving the boat!

In my adorable new purple drivers suit :-)

About earrings...

Jenn, I cant wear earrings or have my ears pierced because they never heal correctly. I've tried 3 times in my earlobes, and once in the cartilage on top... I actually had the top one for almost 2 years, but every once in a while it would start getting infected and gross even though i kept it clean. oh, and you can't tell alot from pictures or just looking at me head on unless you're looking for it but my ears point in different directions slightly, but just enough where it makes wearing hoops impossible. I have some clip earrings that i wear every once in a while, but its sooo hard to find cute clips, they're usually huge gaudy grandma things, like turquoise or something. i like delicate little dangly earrings and just got a couple pairs the other day so maybe you'll see them on pix from the cruise.

Response to Jenns comments...

To update those of you who i havent whined to about the 'boat drama'... my family has vintage raceboats which we take to different events and run them like exhibitions, not racing them, just running them.
Here's a pic of the boat we usually take with us with me driving it:



There is also a poorly setup messageboard which all the drivers and anyone else who wants to can post on, mainly about upcoming events, or their work restoring their boats or whatever. We also all get really excited after an event to get our pictures posted up there so everyone can see them, and maybe see pictures of their boats, or people they are friends with, etc.

The last event we went to, there were these "Hawaiian Tropic" girls walking around... which was a bit of a stretch for them bc they werent even very cute. A couple of the guys thought it would be cool to pose with them for a picture. Completely innocent, mostly funny. Anyway, i was one of no less than half a dozen people taking a picture of this guy:



All i knew about him is he's a little bit of a nutjob, but a really nice guy always trying to be helpful and have fun. They were joking with him when they took the picture that "Steve we're gonna email these to your wife" (who happened to be at home with their baby for the weekend) but he just kept smiling and joking around and stuff, so i didnt see any harm in it. Anyway, when we got back, i rushed to put my pictures up on webshots, because i was excited for everyone to see them, and i spent alot of time putting funny captions up. Well, the one i put on the picture of steve was "Steve, what's your wife's email address?" completely joking. now i dont know what goes on behind closed doors, if they have trust issues or anything else like that, but apparently they were looking through the pictures together, and she saw it and was not happy.

Then *the wife* emailed me (i dont want to put too many details like names out bc i know shes upset about it and heaven forbid she find my blog).

"Intersting photo ! Now I know why he forgot to call me on Saturday ! thanks, Sharon...steve's wife "
First of all, the picture wasnt taken saturday. i know this because i took the picture and on saturday i was lying in the hotel room hungover. 'nother story. Second of all, she sounded like she was just messing around, and like joking about the picture like she thought it was funny too. So I emailed her back.

"Haha, the guys were practically lining up for that spot! Steve was telling us about **** (their son) this weekend, and we'd love to see a picture if you have one :-) His boat looked great this weekend, every time we turned around he was on the crane going in the water or coming back out! Take care, Cecilia :-)"

Cut to that evening, Steve goes over to his friend Bruce's house, tells him about it, but is like, "Dont do anything to cecilia, she didnt mean to do anything" but Bruce to emailed me:

"this is from me, bruce ****, ************ (name of his boat)
I'm saying this because I'm friends with steve and know what went on - in detroit and when he got home...
please no more mention of that picture - let my post be the last...
he was over today and told me he and his wife were looking through the website pictures and when it came to that picture - well, it didn't sit well with his wife - she was upset... not so much that he was walking by and that happened, but because it's on the web, and comments are made about it...
but that information I'm giving ONLY TO YOU - it CANNOT go out to the web. please.
no matter how innocent things are, some people might not appreciate them.
you needn't email him or post anything else.
thanks
bruce ****
732-***-****"

Immediately after he emailed me, i took the picture down so as to try not to create any more commotion and hopefully let it die down. I replied to him:

"Oh my goodness, I'm sure you know I meant no harm by anything i put up... i can definitely take it down asap... we all know that it was all in fun with those girls walking around and I only posted it because I didnt see him doing anything wrong, it was just kind of a guy thing, but if you feel it appropriate, please express to steve my sincere apologies, i really didnt mean to stir things up, and I feel really bad about it. I took the picture down, and will take it off the webshots site too... I really am sorry about it, to you because you are his friend, and to steve because he's such a nice guy, and his wife who clearly got the wrong idea, since a picture is worth a thousand words. I didnt mean to publicize something that shouldnt be or anything, i didnt think that it was a secret since there were half a dozen people there taking the same picture. i just like taking more 'people pictures' than just boat pictures all the time... i take the boat pictures with my film camera and they're not back yet.
Cecilia

Bruce replied:

"it wasn't a secret, but just one of those things kristen... steve didn't want me to do anything, but after seeing him today, i thought i would just let you know.
you needn't feel bad - not why i emailed you. i just figured the best thing would be if it sort of died out and was forgotten.

keep on taking those people pictures! good reminders of fond memories.
i have my guy thing pic from detroit 2000 after talking with bernie little (famous boat driver) in the pits.
thanks - take care now.
bruce"

BTW-here are some of the comments made about the infamous picture in the next few days.

"Hey Steve, unless your wife already knows, I would let her anywhere near the computer, she might have a problem with those girls you were hanging around with. Looks like you had a great time, its a shame I had to miss it."

"I was really curious where all the cute girls were. Now I know where they were hanging out. Did you get any video of THEM?"

"Nice Steve, really nice!"

"had to have been a stunt double... Steve was on the water so much, i figured i'd even look up and see him out there with the skiffs(another type of boat)!!!"

"I got to see it before it was deleted. ****** *******(wife's name)"

"Steve hasn't posted in a while, I'm starting to get a little concerned. Maby Bob could drop by and check on him. See if there's any fresh dirt in the back yard. The only thing I saw Steve drooling over in Detroit were boats."

"Steve Just called me said he couldn't talk long, where ever he's at he got access to a cell."

"It was nice talking with you this past weekend. Let me know when you are released, we will have another Labatts."



Then steve finally posted again

"For those of you who are following ....We last left our couple..Steve and ****** as the frying pans and rolling pins were flying across the kitchen. Steve is recovering nicely. It only hurts when he uses his head (and judging by the photo that got him into this pickle...that's not too often)... so he got off easy. The hydro is and will be on static display in their backyard. If anyone cares to see it come on over because it probably isn't leaving the property any time soon. Steve is adjusting nicely to his GPS ankle bracelet. When we last saw ****** she was painting the cowling on the Jones from "Don't Tell Mom" to you guessed it...."Don't tell (her name)".
What will happen to our couple? Will Steve get loose from his ankle bracelet? Will Excedrin work on Steve's pounding headache? Will the Hydro ever see water again? Who Knows! They are heading out to breakfast at the Marina this morning. Tune in next time for "As the Dust settles"... Steve ****** and **** *******" (wife and son's names starred)

Then again...

"I get to run the Jones (his boat) if I re-name it..."The Boner". Thanks for all of your concern. I'm over here in a heartfelt bucket of tears. Now, chime in and buy that Detroit VHS tape! The 3 bucks I'll make off of each one will go to feed little Jack... (Then some boring stuff about boats)

The most recent drama from this whole event was posted in the last couple days. a guy posted this comment about the whole situation:

"Steve, Explain to your wife that even though you were looking, you didn't test drive anything. You can drive a Suburban and still look at the Vipers when they go by..right?"

then the wife posted one last time.



Discussion Board for The V.H. (abbreviated so im less searchable): "Steve does not have to explain anything to me. The issue was never a matter of trust or looking for me. I cannot blame a little girl (aka-Cecilia. just wait til she meets me and realizes im not a little girl.) for posting a picture and caption that were inappropriate. However, the 'adults' or 'gentleman' who are responding with remarks such as Nice, Steve Nice'
'Don't let your wife near the computer' ...'Did you video them' and now 'you can drive a suburban and still look at the viper" are disrepctful to me as Steve's wife.
Somehow...all I did was send my husband away for a few days to enjoy something he loves...and the payback is my feelings get hurt.
I hope you have all enjoyed poking fun at me and my marriage...however it is time for the joke to come to an end. Please do not resopond to this message as I have heard enough. ******"


SO... that was a long post. anyway, thats one of the reasons why i feel that me being around just ruins peoples lives.

no matter how demeaning i guess i would rather be referred to as a 'little girl who makes inappropriate comments' than a bitch who wrecked a marriage.

i feel like i am indirectly (or sometimes directly) responsible for ruining everyone else's lives and they would all be better off without me around.

ie-benji, boat people, rents, sibs, coworkers, anyone else who ever comes into contact with me.

T-Shirt Hell :: Shirts :: I SUPPORT WHATEVER'S TRENDY

T-Shirt Hell :: Shirts :: I SUPPORT WHATEVER'S TRENDY

finders credit to jenn

PostSecret

PostSecret

PostSecret

PostSecret

i'm only 23. so i guess there's still hope.

PostSecret

PostSecret

This blinkie describes my life up to this point...



Media Blinkies

Girlshop Lulu Frost Keyhole Earrings

i love keys and locks. i wish my ears could be pierced. yet another thing wrong with my body thats really there, not just part of body dysmorphia. added to my nose, flat eyebrows, lack of chest yet hips from here to florida... blahhhhh. i think im gonna go through with the surgery.

I die

i dont have the energy to think about this right now or what it means or might mean, so i'm putting it here so i look at it some other time. it doesnt mean anything about anything so dont even think about trying to read into it too much. blahhh. i want more chocolate chip cookies. someone go get me some please. i think it should have been a sign to my parents when i was little that my 2 favorite muppets were COOKIE MONSTER (whom i referred to as cookcook) and OSCAR THE GROUCH. kind of explains alot, huh.


"I" die
You. You do not exist. Your ego has lied to you. It tells you that you are unique. It makes you want to control everything. It has turned you into a consumer terrorist. Your ego must die. Don't hang onto it. Let go of your body too. If you do not really exist, then you will never really die.

Cymbalta withdrawal

Cymbalta withdrawal

im going off cymbalta, strattera, and mayba sonata... i've been taking lower doses for a month or so i guess? i could go lower, but i dont want to. i just want to be done with it. I didnt take it last night (monday) or the night before (sunday). i generally notice withdrawal symptoms within 8-12 hours of missing a dose (i'm guessing of the cymbalta) and they're starting to get really noticeable... like to the point i almost dont feel comfortable driving. i was supposed to go to work today but i just didnt... i didnt feel comfortable working when im feeling like this... i dont feel like talking about it with my parents either, so im thinking im just going to tell him that i dont want to work for him anymore.

ugh. i just want to drop out of life.

yay jenn fixed my blog for me!!! :-) shes too smart for her own good.

Study Tries to Explain Anorexia Symptoms - Yahoo! News

Study Tries to Explain Anorexia Symptoms - Yahoo! News


"Teenagers walk in front of a clothing store in Buenos Aires July 1, 2005. Argentine officials are telling retailers and the fashion industry to sell larger sizes to armies of teens in this thin-obsessed country, which suffers the second highest rate of anorexia and bulimia in the world after Japan. (Andres Stapff/Reuters)"

umm my mom asked me tonight if i've ever used match.com. i said uhhh no? she was like, oh i just wondered. i asked if she was considering getting a boyfriend, she was like of course not i just wondered. i told her there is 'dating on demand' on comcast on demand, so we watched some of the guys. there was a cute oncologist (yea like doctor) from philly. he's 33. my mom was like, do u want me to email him for you? ummm wtf is going on?

Only 1 skinny girl at grp but i still felt like fatass. Not even like comparing myself 2 her. Just felt that way.

feast or famine

i only typed out the ones i completely related to... which was like all but 2. and have done all of these. except sour cream... ewww. honestly now, its SOUR. sour milk=bad milk.

stolen from ^ website: "You know you're ednos when..."
~you gain and lose the same 5 pounds more than once in less than a week
~your parents get into a fight in therapy about whether you're anorexic or bulimic
~your kitchen is filled with rice cakes, diet soda, and sugar free jello on one side and the other side has ice cream, cookies, and candy, but you dont have any regular foods
~one days calories can be multiplied by 10 to get the next day's plan
~you spend hours upon hours looking at recipies online knowing damn well you'll never make any of them
~you laugh at the idea of a 'balanced diet'
~people tell you "you look good" and you cant decide whether they're talking about your weight loss or weight gain
~you have to know the calorie count ov everything that goes into your mouth, but your knowledge doesnt stop you from eating it
~you stand at the pantry for 15 minutes deciding what to eat, then walk away from it pissed off at yourself for wanting to eat. then go back 10 minutes later depressed for giving in and eat the food with the highest calorie content
~you can barely get yourself to eat a half carton of fat free yogurt for lunch, bur you eat a giant gourmet burrito with cheese and sour cream for dinner

newborn babies are gross

Cecilia: omg i watching childbirth on tv (not sure why...) and theres like 10 people in the room... not like csection, just regular pushing birth
Cecilia: omg father helping deliver baby
Cecilia: ewwwww
Cecilia: id pass out and throw up on self and baby
Jenn: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Cecilia: ewww she had an alien!
jenn: fkaldjflajfld;aks
Cecilia: ugh newborns are so gross
Cecilia: id rather see baby animals born any day
jenn: i know!
jenn: even if it my kid i be like wash it off!
jenn: it all covered in months of old period junk
Cecilia: i so feel no attachment to newborns. like, babies, toddlers, they're kinda fun to play with and to cuddle but umm i just dont get it.
Cecilia: it looks dead
Cecilia: just flopping everywhere
Cecilia: eww now it looks like it has rigor mortis
Cecilia: maybe its retarded
Cecilia: ugh why cant we give birth to puppies
jenn: they treat them like football. when i in iop it was in hospital and we went to nursery after dinner to see new babies and the nurses seriously tossed them arouall rough
jenn: i wanna!
jenn: that be soooo cool

Rhinoplasty for nasal hump or bump Dr. Bermant Plastic Surgery

Rhinoplasty for nasal hump or bump Dr. Bermant Plastic Surgery

im scheduled for surgery august 18. school starts 22nd. maybe this will get me out of having to start school again... i dont want to... ugh.


this is just wrong...
http://www.originalicons.com/search.php?searchbox=%22anorexic%22

"Dental Hygienist" Print from OpenPlease.com

My new "You know you have an ED when..." list

1. you have "Please Die Ana" as a ringtone on your cell phone.

thats all i have.

OMG the synonyms should include 'hermitting'

The Word of the Day for June 24 is:



cocooning \kuh-KOON-ing\ noun

: the practice of spending leisure time at home in preference to going out

benji got new bowls (shh dont tell him yet, its a surprise :-) )

BEYOND FAT. There are no words. My four asses and 3 chins and I are going to bed to wish them away.

Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-P150

my new digital camera... now dont freak about the price if u go look it up somewhere, i got a really great deal on an open-box-item at circuit city :-)

safe place

Cecilia: i ever show u pic i painted of my safe place
jenn: no
Cecilia: i no have on computer but if i think of it sometime i'll photo it
Cecilia: its underwater
Cecilia: everyone else thought it looked scary but i thought it looked really safe
jenn: underwater is cool
Cecilia: theres like nurse sharks and a whale and fish and stuff
jenn: if i could breathe, i'd stay there
Cecilia: manatee maybe?
Cecilia: yea theres a scuba tank in it if u need it but ideally i wouldnt need it
Cecilia: part of my whole thing with it is you can block out the hearing sense (at least voices)... and if u close your eyes you cant see or hear at all...
Cecilia: shari was like, umm that looks dangerous
jenn: HAHA
Cecilia: but then i explained it, i think she started to get it
Cecilia: other girl drew clouds and swirly shit
Cecilia: i drew sharks
Cecilia: hahaha
Cecilia: she like 'my safe place is bouncing in the clouds'
Cecilia: i'm like u ass, you'll fall STRAIGHT THROUGH CLOUDS THEYRE NOT SOLID YOU MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT
Cecilia: but i didnt tell her that. i think she was only like 17ish... didnt wanna burst her bubble (or cloud)
Cecilia: but u can def swim in water
Cecilia: and its not that far fetched. remind me sometime to take pic of my senior pic and quote in yearbook too
jenn: HAHAAAA
jenn: that great. she can fall thru the clouds
Cecilia: yea and splat her head. maybe dying her safe place?

finish - adoption centre - bunnyhero labs

finish - adoption centre - bunnyhero labs: "

adopt your own virtual pet!

"

about the nose...

my dad had to call the plastic surgeon today to ask him about me and to ask about another patient... he said (without even ever seeing me) that he would do my surgery (fix septum deviation, and cosmetic reconstruction or whatever) at the cost of whatever insurance will pay for the septum deviation. he rocks. i'm now in love with him though i've never met him haha. i was (and have always been) really worried about where the money would come from for it. i knew my parents would pay, but i know they've been kinda strapped for cash, what with 4 kids in college, none of them with stable jobs, and the office flooding last year. they've always offered to do it for me because i think either they really think it will help my self esteem or they think its as bad as i do and my BDD isnt as bad as i once thought it might be.

i'm pretty sure this is him (though for obvious annoying security reasons of course i won't post his name here.) we'll call him Dr. K.



this is just wrong... heard it on the radio this morning-
"Your momma's so fat the doctor told her she had a flesh eating disease and gave her 10 years to live."

i'm also thinking of going off of my meds... i dont think theyre really helping... or i'm just a faker who doesnt want them to be helping... and switching psychiatrists because the one i'm currently going to is like impossible to see if you have to switch appointments around or anything. my sis is seeing an NP who is in practice with a Psych or something, so the NP can write/refill the scripts... not exactly sure how that works, but its alot easier to get in to see her, and its 5 min from home (not 45+ like Dr. G), and since she's an NP not an MD its bound to be cheaper because of course i carry more guilt than the bastard son of a catholic prostitute... i dont know what that meant. sorry to any catholics. ok i'm over it... really tired and havent started packing... tomorrow i need to:

*Pack for Weds-Sun (normal clothes, semi-dressy clothes, and really hot weather clothes... thats alot)
*Take Mr. R & his crate to mom and dad's house, all 3 woofs are going to vet's to board while we are gone...
*Go get passport renewed for cruise (slightly stressing about that too!... swim suits??? eeek...
*Food Nazi at 10:45
*Leave no later than noon
*DONT FORGET CD PLAYER AND A BOOK OF SOME KIND!!!
*Download/burn more music for the trip?
*take laptop?

really sleepy... procrastinator's creed: why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

leaving for boat races tomorrow...

headed to maryland tomorrow for boat races and to see people i havent seen since last summer around july/august and hoping not to get comments one way or the other about my body. MY body. not theirs to comment upon. but if i were to get argumentative or enforce the 'no one gets to make comments about MY body except ME' rule, i would be being too touchy or something i'm sure. why is it never okay to say something about someone when they're heavy or heavier, but someone loses some weight and suddenly its up for discussion.

i guess im just pissy tonight. so sue me.

will be back sunday. text me until then.

here's an old (pre-renfrew) picture of one of our vintage boats with the original boat builder.

eMedicine - Complications of Rhinoplasty : Article by S Valentine Fernandes, BSc(Hons), MB, BS, MCPS, FRCSEd, FRACS, FACS

taken from eMedicine - Complications of Rhinoplasty : Article by S Valentine Fernandes, BSc(Hons), MB, BS, MCPS, FRCSEd, FRACS, FACS...



"Persistent psychological complications

Several contradictory studies are available. Some studies claim that most primary rhinoplasty patients are psychiatrically disturbed, with a preponderance of personality disorders. Other studies show prospective patients to be relatively free of psychopathology. Still other studies show postoperative diminution of anxiety, obsessiveness, hostility, and paranoia, accompanied by improved self-concept. Even patients at high risk for poor psychological outcome reportedly benefit from cosmetic surgery. Nevertheless, in some psychologically fragile individuals, preoperative equilibrium may be disrupted."

PostSecret

I deteste each part of my body (except my hands)

nose pictures

an assortment of ugly nose pictures...












i know the color is horrible but its an old polaroid

6th grade school picture

2 christmas's ago


many me's

my new pedometer (my mom bought it for me!)

I IMmed this to jenn earlier and am too lazy to retype...

Auto response from BN mp NM snm: heading over to the rents house then to s-ville with sister to get our noses checked out... :-* cell.

BN mp NM snm: and my sister had her tonsils removed in december and nasal polyps and stuff removed from her sinuses and her deviated septum fixed 2 months ago, so she went to the ENT to get follow up checks from him, and daddy and i went with her bc im thinking about getting my nose 'fixed' and we wanted to get his opinion and see if there was anything sinus-y or septum wise that he would need to look at as opposed to a regular plastic surgeon... he said no polyps or anything, but my septum is pretty deviated, and thats probably a big part of the reason my nose looks like its drifting off to the left side of my face...
BN mp NM snm: but that i have extra cartilage in some places and kinda thin skin on my nose which would make it a little more difficult bc u would see ANY imperfections in the underneath stuff thru the skin pretty easily
BN mp NM snm: so thats about it in a nutshell



Thats it, long story short. ive told my parents i wanted my nose fixed since at least 12-13 i think. they've gone so far as to come up with plans like i could go down to my grandmas in florida for a month, have it done and heal there where i dont really know anyone (and in the nice weather) and have her take care of me, then come back and have no one know any different... they know its the thing i hate most about my body (other than being fat but i doubt they'd go for lipo...) anyway, my T (who by the way im not going back to... cant remember if i've blogged that or not...) asked me the other day what i hate most about my body, or what i would change if i could, so of course i said my nose. she was like, have you ever thought about getting it fixed? have you told your parents? i'm like yup, yup. she asked why i havent just done it, since so many people get great results and it really helps people improve their self image and stuff... i'm afraid of 1. pain, 2. permanance, 3. it getting worse. I'm afraid i'll wake up, they'll take the bandages off and i'll hate it and just wish it was back this way again, or that like a tattoo i'll never be able to get the area back to normal (*cough*... michael jackson?) i'm not going for perfection for once, but i feel like my nose is really unflattering and not feminine at all.

i want everyone's thoughts on this... please post comments...

Cult-Like Lure of 'Ana' Attracts Anorexics - Yahoo! News

Cult-Like Lure of 'Ana' Attracts Anorexics - Yahoo! News

so i quit T again today... but this time its for good... at least for now... and she even believed me and told her secretary to cancel any appointments i might have scheduled. last time she "left them in there just in case"... i hated her for that. talk about not being validated. ironic that i quit today when we actually had a semi-productive session where i was honest about some of the realizations i had come to about my parents and my family and feelings and stuff like that. oh well... i was tired of all the lies, and i think i felt like i couldnt trust her for a plethora of reasons...

i went to the acupuncture doctor today. it was kinda cool. i was honest with her about ed/dep/anxiety stuff... she thinks it will help. we'll see. its my mom's latest in her list of 'cures' for her/my ills. lets see... in the last 3 years she has come up with strattera, cymbalta, ritalin, IP treatment, the food nazis, force feedings, massage therapy, Mitral Valve Prolapse with Dysautonomia (dont ask), dehydration, hypothyroidism... note to self: a bachelors degree plus the internet does not an MD make.

Tomorrow i see the food nazi again. i really really really want to weigh myself right now and my scale is about 15 feet away, but i'll wait til the morning (partly bc i cant get up the will to get out of bed) and its more accurate in the morning and i'll know what its gonna be and not be suprised when i go in to see her. you'll never guess... i've been keeping food diaries. at least writing down or keeping track of what im eating (and no laur u still cant have the link) and they're nowhere near as pretty as caitee's, but it works.

on that note, the whole food nazi thing that my parents and i are doing 'together'... my mom bought us pedometers because we're supposed to be keeping track of how many steps we take per day. supposed to be between 8-10000 my mom said. today i had 9725... i could run my stairs a few dozen times and make up the rest of the 10000 bc i am a perfectionist, but then again i'm also lazy, so i think blogging wins out. all this typing must burn cals too rite?

uploading pictures from video camera... more later.

PS-crisis!!! havent seen my cell phone since last night... it SHOULD be somewhere between my parents house and my apt but so far no dice... so if u want me u better IM, email quenchless@hotpop.com or call my apt and leave a message w/ your number bc i dont have caller id bc im a loser :-) grrrr...

.....................................................

horrible dream just woke up crying
almost SI'd during sleep... then when i woke up too...
havent so far though...
KIT
KIT
KIT
KIT
(keep it together)
KIT
KIT
KIT
KIT
KIT
going to work now...

_____________________________ps

Cecilia: ok so i've been farting this afternoon and this evening and it smells like a cigar.
Cecilia: did i sleep-eat a cigar?
Cecilia: while it was lit?
Cecilia: bc it smells like burning cigar.
Cecilia: hmm that cant be good.

faker

Valerie: You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people - but you... you are *not* crazy.
Susanna: Then what's wrong with me, huh? What the fuck is going on inside my head? Tell me, *Dr. Val*. What's your diag-nonsense?
Valerie: You are a lazy, self-indulgent *little girl*, who is driving herself crazy.

The Sopranos: Unidentified Black Male - TV Tome

The Sopranos: Unidentified Black Male - TV Tome

Tony Soprano: You know, sometimes what happens in [therapy] is like taking a shit.

Dr. Melfi: I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.

Tony: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

dog horoscopes.com

dog horoscopes.com

ME = PISCES
MY DOG = CAPRICORN
...
A complex friendship. If the Capricorn can accept that there's no way to control Pisces' sudden mood shifts, the relationship can be rewarding...

savvyHEALTH.com: A Different Face of Eating Disorders: Diabulimia

savvyHEALTH.com: A Different Face of Eating Disorders: Diabulimia

i passed!

i like neither pork, nor spam, but i like PorkSpam! :-)

i forgot to post this the other day, but George is home from treatment :-) yay!

new ringtones

i downloaded some new ringtones to my cellphone... now i have:
ana's song
unwell
blvd of broken dreams
family portrait
the nfl on fox theme song
i dont wanna be
4 non blondes "whats going on" song
rainbow connection
crazy (patsycline)
the theme song for queer eye "all things just keep getting better"
if i only had a brain
pour some sugar on me
stacy's mom

Tuesdays with Laur-ie (like tuesdays with morrie... ah nevermind)

This convo with laur sums up the food nazis pretty well.

Laur: nay
Auto response from Cecilia: FAT
Cecilia: :-!
Laur: talk
Laur: you no fat
Cecilia: ya i am
Cecilia: people can even tell
Cecilia: difference
Laur: WHAT?
Laur: send pic
Laur: come to pgh
Laur: i wan see
Cecilia: dont have any
Cecilia: but not kidding
Laur: how much you gain?
Cecilia: gained LITERALLY 10 pounds in not very long
Laur: how? eat more?
Cecilia: yea i guess
Cecilia: eating to me is sorta like cutting i guess
Cecilia: lol
Laur: constipated?
Cecilia: same numbing
Cecilia: nope
Cecilia: been pooping most every day... and it wouldnt be 10 lb from that
Cecilia: started 'wellness bridge' thing on saturday
Laur: what that?
Cecilia: :-!
Cecilia: glorified weightwatchers/jenny craig/etc
Cecilia: this is the link... i think
Laur: WHY?!!!!!!!!
Cecilia: so i spent like 4 hours at the "initial consultation" (after being weighed/body fat percentaged) having them explain nutrition and the body to me incorrectly... me, 6 or 7 old fat women, my parents and me
Cecilia: because i was guilted into it
Laur: WHY?! BY WHO?!
Cecilia: my dad
Laur: your PARENTS went WITH YOU?!!!!!
Cecilia: its horrible
Cecilia: yup
Laur: ARE THEY ON CRACK?!!!!!!!
Cecilia: we're all doing it
Laur: dsklfdkshfskdvhdknv
Laur: WHY?!!!!
Cecilia: yup i think so
Laur: DO THEY WANT YOU TO DIE OF ED?!!!!
Cecilia: its supposedly this total body/mind/spiritual wellness program thing. which is mostly geared toward losing weight.
Cecilia: i dont think so.
Laur: I no get. what are they thinking?!
Cecilia: but my parents 'worry' or whatever about me and my ed and my eating. my dad gets off on stuffing my sisters and my faces with things he cant and/or doesnt eat (cheesecake, brownies, cookies, cinnamon rolls, etc)
Laur: :-!
Laur: :-
Cecilia: and my mom has fibromyalgia that has been alot worse in the last year or 2 and apparently she has gained weight bc of the chronic pain and stuff from it, she isnt as active as she had been, and is feeling really badly about it and her body. (according to my dad... i havent noticed the weight)
Laur: they should not be involving you
Cecilia: and he's had weight issues his whole life (hes always been underweight and had IBS and food allergies... foods literally shoot out of him about as fast as he eats them. sorry for the visual.)
Cecilia: hes about 5'10 and prob 140ish? ibw for him is 166 i think
Cecilia: i dont understand why hes allowed to be 26 pounds underweight but when i am i get locked up.
Cecilia: lol anyway
Laur: ldkjfsdlkjfldksjf
Laur: i no like
Cecilia: as if i wasnt food obsessed before.
Cecilia: now they want me eating balance bars all the time and shit...
Cecilia: like when i'm not hungry
Laur: ummmm, why?
Cecilia: they insist that if you eat while your body is in 'active digestion' that your metabolism is higher and it won't turn into fat. which is complete bullshit. it does increase your metabolism but not for each food you eat each time you eat. it still fucking adds up.
Cecilia: i dont need an extra 200some cals twice a day because they feel like it
Laur: ughhhhh
Cecilia: the last couple days my mom will be like "do you want a balance bar?"
Laur: i gon kill your fam
Cecilia: and i'm just like, no.
Cecilia: haha thanks :-)
Cecilia: it seriously doesnt make any sense.
Cecilia: but the lady told me today that my body fat percentage is excellent. lol she was like, are you athletic?
Cecilia: i almost laughed at her, but very straight faced, said "nope'
Cecilia: she said, well what kind of exercise do you do? i said 'sometimes i walk my dog'
Cecilia: haha
Cecilia: as i was leaving she was like 'i think you're going to do really well with this. you're going to be a poster child!"
Cecilia: hahahaha
Laur: =-O:-X>:o
Cecilia: oh! and you'll love this...
Cecilia: they plug your height and weight etc into their computer thing...
Cecilia: and it tells u what it thinks your goal weight should be. my mom told the lady (about herself) "that number is lower than i want to be." the lady was like, well we can adjust it for personal preferences or something...
Cecilia: and mine (goal) was .2 pounds lower than what they weighed me as the first day.
Cecilia: (which btw was underweight for my height, yet my goal weight was still lower.)
Laur: :-!
Laur: oooooowwwwwww, my teeth hurt
Cecilia: why?
Laur: dunno, maybe cause i a no good mia
Laur: ice cream is heaven and hell at once
Cecilia: do u use sensodyne?
Cecilia: or a sensitive teeth toothpaste
Laur: nah
Laur: it's getting worse though, so i should
Cecilia: i was always like, no way that works, but then i started using it all the time and just never paid attention and didnt notice anything spectacular, then one day i used something else and my teeth were SOOOOO sensitive... it was like major arm-amputating type pain
Laur: ha ha, WOW
Cecilia: yea so i'm a full on supporter of it
Cecilia: or any toothpaste with potassium nitrate in it ;-)
Laur: HA HA full on supporter! I LOVE it!
Cecilia: :-D
Laur: he wrote it for me ;-)
Cecilia: i should put a sensodyne link in my blog
Laur: you SHOULD
Cecilia: i thinking of redesigning it again
Laur: cool
Laur: do it
Cecilia: haha i retemplate it more than i post
Laur: YEAH
Laur: ha ha
Laur: so, you're coming to hang out Thursday
Cecilia: aww blue eyes song -)
Cecilia: :-)
Laur: ;-):-P
Cecilia: oh, i am?
Cecilia: haha
Laur: yep
Cecilia: lol ok
Cecilia: anything special going on?
Laur: nah
Laur: just making you come
Cecilia: haha ok
Cecilia: my parents going to san fran that day sometime
Cecilia: they be gone for a while
Laur: hotttt
Cecilia: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7884243/?GT1=6542 >:o
Laur: =-O
Cecilia: i going to bed...
Cecilia: nite
Cecilia: thx for listening...
Laur: k, drive here straight from work Thurs:-*
Laur: dude, i no do anything yet, i gon kill fam soon though
Cecilia: ive decided that i think i hate wannabe-nutritionists more than real ones
Cecilia: haha ok
Cecilia: :-)
Laur: i hate food and people, that's all. ha ha
Laur: alright, go bed, goodniiiight!
Cecilia: lol
Cecilia: nite :-)

Fat and sad because i know its only going to get worse. T tomorrow. things to remember to tell her:

.dont need T anymore because i got fat, am fine. no ed.
.i passed the semester
.FAT
.how sucky my grades are/were
.psych left meds same despite honest answer to 'how are you doing'
.food nazis
.food nazi says my body fat % is 'excellent'
& i must be athletic. lol. she doesnt know
im ana subtype lazyass.
.FAT
.i've been social with
.brian
.jason/phil (new husband... i now have 3.)
.colleen
.laur/jenn
.people at the park... well at least
their dogs. why do dogs always
have to come with people?
.i'm never dating again. i don't see the point.
.sister moved out
.FAT
.cruise
.boat races
.FAT

Email from Anita, and my reply

Dear Cecilia:
We miss you and the girls have asked about you. I am on vacation this week so have some time to e-mail. Let me know how you are doing. Are you on a practicum? How is school going? Love to your family. Take care.
Anita


Hi Anita, sorry it took me so long to respond, i've had finals all week... actually for the past 2 weeks... 7 finals... not fun. anyway, after a pretty bad semester (esp grade wise) i got some help from teachers and my parents near the end and brought them up enough so i have at least C's in everything (I THINK!) because if i get lower than a C in any one class, i would be suspended from the program, have to retake that course next year then reapply or something... and if i got less than a C in 2 classes (at all, ever) i would be kicked out of the program with no chance to ever apply again. pressure much? so i've been *a little* stressed, tired, depressed, anxious, etc for a while... my whole life (and apartment) feels cluttered, like it does when i'm pretty depressed. no energy/will to clean or straighten up. i have been eating better (aka more) recently and have gained some weight (of course im not happy about that).

i'm still on pretty much the same meds i've been on since sometime in the fall, or maybe even last summer, and they're still not working. he did add provigil a couple months ago bc of my low energy levels plus he thought it might help the strattera with my ADD... and of course it hasnt, it just makes my anxiety worse most of the time, so i don't usually take it. its not one of those ones that has to build up in your bloodstream so that's ok.

I havent made it up to groups in so long because on thursdays i was seeing patients from 1-5ish, and from school, it would take an hour and 20 at least to get to your place, and then monday nights i always had alot to do because tuesday was my 'long day'... and when i say long day, i mean i had 8-12 clinic, 1-5 radiography lab, and 630-930 oral pathology class... 11 hours of class, aka the day from hell. anyway, i always had alot to prepare for tuesdays AND wednesdays on monday nights because of that schedule, so groups those nights usually werent an option.

I forget off hand, but i think my schedule will be a little more open in the evenings this fall.

For the summer, i think i'm going to be working for my dad again (as i have for the past 11 summers). Hopefully i'll be able to get to group to see you guys soon, could you email and let me know when they're meeting?

this is the list of classes i'll be taking this fall but i am far too lazy this morning to get up to find my schedule to see when they meet. i think in general i've got class 8or9-5 about every day... with a little variation.
DH 267 UG Dental Materials 1.000
DH 268 UG Dental Materials Lab 1.000
DH 325 UG Periodontology 2.000
DH 350 UG Pharmacology & Anesthesiology 3.000
DH 360 UG Community Dental Health I 3.000
DH 380 UG Clinical Dh III 2.000
DH 381 UG Clin Dental Hygiene III Lab 3.000
DH 450 UG Sr Research Seminar In Dh 2.000


benji is doing wonderfully, and has lots of pictures online if you would like to see them... Benji Pictures. he sends a 'woof' to his buddy cristo :-)

That's a long email, good luck reading the whole thing... i probably wouldnt have :-) hehe see you soon! and please let me know when groups will be meeting this summer.
<3 Cecilia and Benji

finals

finals are almost over and i havent suicided yet. T minus 8 hours 7 minutes and counting.

it appears that i *might* just pass everything too... with a C or better... which is what i need to not be kicked out. if i'm below a 2.5 for the semester i think i get on probation or something, but that doesnt really mean anything i think because u still stay in the program. i had a 3.3 avg in my DH classes so far though, so i dont know if that averages in... anyway, i absolutely HATE grade whores (those who constantly compare grades and ask what you got... bc i was always at the low end of the spectrum and people would always gloat about how well they did and make fun of those who didnt fare so well, ie me, so even if i do well i rarely share my grades), but for the sake of blog record keeping, here goes...

Nutrition - B (3hr)
Microbiology/Lab - C (3hr)
Dental Hygiene Clinic - A or B... (2hr)
Radiography- B or C (1hr)
Radiography Lab - A (1hr)
Oral Pathology - C (3hr)
Dental Hygiene Lecture - B or C (2hr)... To be determined tomorrow morning...

Worst case scenario - 2.47
Best case scenario - 2.8 (it wont happen... best i'll end up with is a 2.6 im pretty sure, but wishful thinking...)

hmm... psych major?

Cait: hey, how goes the starving?
Me: lol what?
Cait: *studying lol
Me: hahahaha
Cait: sorry, freudian slip lol

went to the amusement park

from sunday night around 1:30:
i lived through the day... but fuck me if i let another nice guy fall in love with me and be my boyfriend bc i feel the need to 'give him a chance'. hmm perhaps the hourlong trip to the porn store tonight had something to do with it... umm... lol oh! and you guys would be so proud of me, i went on rollercoasters!!! like, loopy ones! UPSIDE DOWN and all that shiite. wow.

Sure he's a nice guy. and lots of guys are nice. we were talking about our ex-files... i dated a guy he'd gone to high school with... he's 27 and im 23... and when i dated the other guy i'd just turned 18... lol im a dork. anyway, he asked what my most common reason was for having broken up with boyfriends was... and i said there wasnt really one... then i rephrased and said 'because i'm too stuck in my own head.' he was like, what does that mean? i told him i didnt want to elaborate. he pressed and i still said no. and said no again. i don't think that i like that he presses things like that that i don't want to do or talk about when i've made it very clear i don't want to talk about them. also, he was very pushy about getting me to go on all the scary ride... i'd told him that i'm not good with scary rides and get really freaked out and stuff but he was like, no it will be ok, you'll like it. no, really you don't get it. I DON'T DO ANYTHING UPSIDE DOWN. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UPSIDE DOWN. I did indulge him a bit and went on SEVERAL rollercoasters with him even one that went really fast inside in the dark and went upside down. usually if i dissociate its not planned or whatever, but i tried so hard to get out of my self on that ride... i was so scared, i kept my eyes closed almost the whole time, and 'dick' was screaming the whole time "oh my gawd, this is great! hold on! here we go! its gonna go upside down! almost, almost, here we go!" seriously i was like, crying and panic attacking the entire time (not to mention the entire time standing in line before the ride and screaming and hitting the floor everytime it 'left the station' or whatever. all the little kids were laughing at me but it wasnt funny.) 'dick' also lied to me (though he said 'lying by omission isnt lying... grrr) and put me on this ride that is every bit of physical hell i feel my body could be put through. I can't even explain it. but trust me, no sane person would go on this ride more than once. we had to stand in line for it for a long time too.

Dick and Jane

dammit cecilia!!! why cant you just go to bed at a normal hour like everyone else? like boys like everyone else? not go into micro lab and have visions of instead of streaking bacteria across petri dishes to see if it grows, streaking it across cuts to see what happens? THATS NOT NORMAL!!! :-! i dont know if its even possible to blog all that happened sunday... just... ugh. same old same old. boy meets girl. girl goes into cyclothymic hypomanic phase and intrigues boy. boy gets interested, asks girl out. girl is back to depressed phase but feels compelled to act as if hypomanic all the time. boy proceeds to fall 'in love' with girl. boy realizes girl is permanent member of NSO. girl gets bored, severs contact, boy eventually gets the hint and moves away quietly into the distance.

thats the dick and jane version of my romantic life. the end.

(btw-'dick' is a cleveland browns fan... it wouldnt have worked out anyway... hehe)

Are we growing up?

What's with us lately? Laur had a date and kissed a boy, jenn has a *thing* this weekend (im a bad friend bc i cant remember what it is and she just told me like 6 hours ago), cait has a serious boyfriend, i have a something-or-other on sunday... goodness. I guess we're going to have to officially dissolve the NSO. Sad. haha yea.

so this something-or-other. as my teacher who semi- set me up on this says, its just a fun-weekend-thing. i tried and tried to tell her, but i'm not a fun person! i sit, mr r and i. we sit. we lounge. sometimes we chase ducks. that pretty much sums it up. not fun. i don't know how i let myself get suckered into this one. my teacher didnt exactly ask me, he did, and it was his idea... hmm, if this goes any farther than sunday i'm going to have to come up with a pseudonym for him so i can blog about him.

and to my faithful readers (all 5 or so of you!) im sorry about all the blog switching and stuff... but umm yea, we'll just say security issues. im such a nerd.

yesterday my dad decided at 9min til my T appt that he was going with me. didnt go so well. i dont even remember enough right now to really blog about it. lets just say i might be quitting T again. we'll see.

good news for those of you who want me to stay in school, i may have passed my micro test today. i drew lots of pretty pictures for her and stuff. some of the stuff was about disinfection/sterilization. i drew at the bottom a stick and the words "Stick. not sterile." then i drew a scalpel. "Surgical instruments. sterile." then i drew a test paper. "Giving your orthodontist's kid an A+: priceless."

haha so yea, the same set-up teacher (Dr. K) is my micro teacher and my nutrition teacher. also the head of the regional junior high/high school science fair up there which my parents are members of the board of. also had her a couple years ago for principles of bio. this wednesday she's going to begin seeing my dad for braces. this ought to be interesting.

ok thats all i can think of to blog about right now... my belly feels funny. i had the hugest dinner tonight at outback (though my dad insists it was 'normal'... salad with normal dressing, sweet potato, a steak, and like 5 sprites.) and started using all these big words to describe how uncomfortable i was physically. it felt like the first time they up your meal plan 5 steps at the frew... my belly was all distended and turgid... i thought i was going to die. so far i havent, so score one for the pro-lifers. note to self: make a living will!!! second note to self: decide what to put in living will. how's this: "If I am ever rendered a vegetable, or even have a skinned knee, it is my will that i be euthanized immediately." i'm expecting comments since i put so much effort into this entry. and ck mr r's pictures for the teeth cleaning ones if you havent seen them yet... its well worth it!

it's LOG!

its almost my bday...

"i'm 23, which is almost 25, which is almost mid-twenties"

im gonna be 23, so i just had to post that :-) who else loves jessica simpson? woot! lol i sooo dont ever say 'woot'.

Results

Isolation. Just leave you alone. You can be found
in a dark place, rotting in your own self pity.
After all, no one else understands, right?


How do you deal with your depression?
brought to you by Quizilla

Reply ANONYMOUSLY. Afterwards post this in your journal.


A) What is your opinion of me?
B) What career can you picture me pursuing?
C) Who do I remind you of (Real or Fictitious)?
D) Are you content with our relationship?
E) Does any song remind you of me?
F) What do you think is my greatest strength?
G) What is my greatest weakness in your opinion?
H) Did you want to tell me anything?

You have to leave the entry public for this to work, btw. (for those who use lj)

Article written by the Mother of a 14 year old girl who died of Anorexia

"As with the anti-smoking campaign of the past decade, there needs to be a different tactic in how we deal with eating disorders. Replace full-body photos of thin celebs in costly but revealing clothes with in-your-face pictures of their decayed teeth, sparse hair and dull eyes. Interview them about the dark despair they feel, and let families speak out about their terror as pound after pound drops from their loved one's body."
~Cheryl Dellasega

Blogstalker!

I've finally figured out who you are... Amanda A., I know its you. give it up. you can still post hate things on here, just use your name from now on.

Easy as 1, 2, 3

A is for age: 22.96

B is for brand of clothes: TJ Maxx... thats a brand right?

C is for career: Dental Hygiene... unless i drop out first. in that case, i'll be a stripper.

D is for dad's name: Dan

E is for essential item to bring to a party: What's a party?

F is for favorite song at this moment: boulevard of broken dreams

G is for girlfriend: NSO baby.

H is for hometown: Atlantis, Grand Cayman

I is for instruments you play: Trombone (come on, you know you prob played a really cool instrument too!)

J is for jam or jelly you like: any without seeds... blackberry!

K is for kids: what about them? i've got benji...

L is for living arrangement: just benji and me in our apartment.

M is for mom's name: Debbie

Name of your best friend: Benji

O is for overnight hospital stays: none-renfrews not a hosp rite?

P is for phobia(s): failing, the dark sometimes, being with people

Q is for quote you like: "

R is for relationship that lasted the longest: 8 months with Ray

S is for school you attend: W.L.S.C.

T is for time you wake up: whenever the sonata kicks out.

U is for unique trait: i have the hugest nostrils you've ever seen. you can see my brain and could poke it with an outstretched finger without ever touching the sides.

V is for vegetable you love: broccoli

W is for worst habit: dont wanna talk about it.

X is for x-rays you've had: no clue... i've got about 10-15 in my file at my dads... plus several of my knees over the years, my hand when i broke it, i have strange memories of a chest or belly film when i was little... perhaps there was trauma there. lol. is a dexa scan an xray?

Y is for yummy food you make: alpo with lamb and rice dog food

Z is for zodiac sign: Pisces - im a fish:-) chick of the sea

XXX

i dont understand... what are you trying to show me?
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Foamy's rant about carb-counting diets

I found this all typed out and felt the need to blog it.

OK, I'M FUCKIN' SICK OF THIS FAT-KINS DIET. YOU FUCKIN' CARB COUNTING ASSHOLES REALLY NEED TO STOP. ALL I HEAR OUT OF EVERYONE'S MOUTH IS, OH I CAN'T EAT THAT, IT HAS CARBS.... WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU NEED CARBS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE CARBS YOUR BRAIN ROTS AND YOUR LIVER GETS DAMAGED. NICE. YOUR THIN, AND HAVE SOME WEIRD ASS MENTAL DISSEASE AND A BAD LIVER. YEP, THE VANITY IS WORTH IT.

I'M ALSO SICK OF THIS FUCKIN' EXCHANGE PROGRAM, WHERE YOU MINUS THE FIBER GRAMS FROM THE FAT GRAMS AND THE CARB GRAMS, TO DETERMINE WHAT THE CARB RATIO IS IN YOUR FOOD. FUCK THAT. WHEN I PICK UP FOOD I'M NOT GONNA START DOING ADDITION AND SUBTRACTION TO SEE IF IT'S A FUCKIN' MEAL I CAN EAT. HOW ABOUT JUST MINUSING SOME FUCKIN' FOOD FROM YOUR EVERY DAY EATING BINGES YOU FAT BASTARDS. STOP LOOKING TO SOME DEAD MAN FOR A QUICK FIX DIET AND JUST EAT LIKE A SESIBLE HUMAN BEING.

YOU NEVER SEE ANY FAT SQUIRRLES DO YA?
WHY?

BECAUSE WE EXCERSICE BY JUMPING FROM TREE TO TREE AND ONLY EAT NUTS. AND THE OCATIONAL BAGEL THAT SOMEONE THROWS OUT.

STOP BEING SO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR IMAGE AND JUST BE YOURSELF. IF YOUR A FAT BASTARD, FINE, BE A FAT BASTARD. IF YOU'RE AN ANOREXIC JACK-ASS WITH A THYROID PROBLEM, FINE...BE A TWIG. STOP DOING ALL THESE UNNESSECARY DIETS.

CAUSE YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU GET DOWN TO YOUR GOAL WEIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE: "SURE, I CAN HAVE AN EXTRA PIECE OF CAKE, LOOK AT ALL THE WEIGHT I LOST. THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, RRRRRRWEEEEEEEETT. BACK ON A DIET CAUSE YOUR ASS IS FALLIN' OUT OFYOUR JEANS.

JUST BE YOURSELF. EAT THAT TWINKIE. ENJOY THAT CAKE, BUY THAT EXTRA POUND OF GOURMET CREAM CHEESE YOU ALWAYS WANTED!!! AND IF PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU FUNNY BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO FAT OR TOO SKINNY, TELL EM TO FUCK OFF AND DIE. YOU DO NOT NEED TO ADHERE TO THE IDEALISTIC VISION OF BEAUTY MARKETED BY FASHION MAGAZINES AND NEGATIVELY RE-NFORCED BY A SOCIETY DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT BEAUTY ONLY APPEARS ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE.

FUCK THEM ALL!!!

NOW WHERES MY WAFFLE SUNDAE?



Copyright: Jonathan Ian Mathers: 2004.
www.illwillpress.com

failing out of school

yea so i'm failing out of school, and this time i'm not even kidding. jenn said i could get help from disability services, accomodations for ed and depression. has anyone else done that? i do it for my adhd and learning disabilities and stuff, but i dont know what they can do for this... tell my teachers "sometimes she wont show up, dont mark her absent. sometimes she'll dissociate through the entire class, just give her a copy of your notes. sometimes she'll get your test and not recognize any of the words on it over 3 letters, despite having been present in all lectures and having studied for it, so just give her a B if she even attempts to write something." it just doesn't seem fair to the rest of the class.

now i'm off to school where i will be until about 930 tonight... i really dont know how i'm gonna pull this off. oh, and i'll get back another failing grade tonight in oral pathology at 6:30. just to let you know. :-(

Toby - adopted 12-14-89

sad day. toby had to be put to sleep this morning. he had been suffering for a while... hasnt been able to walk well for a while, and has had more trouble sleeping and eating. my dad came over this morning around noon to tell me. i had class at 1. good timing dad, thanks.

then he went to sheetz, got lunch for us, but he accidentally gave me the wrong one... his had mayo on it... the 2 foods i absolutely cant stand are coleslaw and mayo. now there wasnt just a little mayo, there was a quarter inch of it on both pieces of pretzel bread. yuck. i managed to pull 2 of the pieces of turkey free from the slop and eat them, and i scraped as much of the mayo as i could off of the bread and ate it... but yuck. oh yea, he also bought me a box of 6 cinnamon rolls. the man who complains i only eat carbs and not enough protein. buys. me. boxes. of. cinnamon. rolls. MULTIPLE TIMES WEEKLY. i cant let them just sit there. they're like potato chips, *betcha cant eat just one* and i cant. i love them. and anything cinnamony, or bready like bob evans rolls. and i just ate another one. and i'm bound to eat several more before i go to bed. i tell him all the time i dont want one. if i tell him i ate them and i liked them, he'll think i ate them as a meal (which may some times be true) but completely uncalled for. then he'll compain that i dont get enough protein. what does he want me to do, eat eggs 5 times a day? grrr. i wish they'd just completely lay off of the food thing. i spend so much time thinking about it in my head, them talking and thinking about it all the time just makes it worse.

i really just want to sleep for a few days. my parents are going to be gone all day tomorrow, then saturday, they are leaving for daytona for a week or so... i'll be in school all week, and they will be going to all the nascar races and festivities. i had the option to go... they had the ticket. i could have flown down friday or saturday, then come home early monday morning. i said no thanks. too SFD. i was then, and knew i would be then. soo much effort involved in rushing to pack and fly and stuff... perhaps i'll pop a couple seroquel and sleep all weekend... this weekend and next. lol. but i WILL remember to take my other meds too so i dont have strange dreams to tell caitee about, and i'll actually get some restful sleep.

Can i check my laundry basket as baggage?

ME: i have the strangest dreams when i forget to take my meds
Cait: oh yeah?
ME: its weird though that i usually sleep better those nights...
ME: haha
ME: yea, last night apparently we (my brothers and sister and i) were flying to florida to meet up with my parents and grandma... and of course we were late leaving for the airport bc it took us forever to pack
ME: then we took a cab (? weirdness) and in the cab were these girls i went to high school with that i didnt like (they were a year younger) but we were usually cordial to each other, but apparently in the past one of them had confided in me that her mom suffered from some major mental illness, like bad bipolar, or schiz or somehting... and now she was sort of raising her little brother, but at the moment she was riding around in the cab with the driver, who was the mother of the other girl in the cab (btw, how do you get that many people in a cab???)
ME: then we got there, and there was some sort of drama involving shopping, but i dont really remember exactly what happened...
ME: the shops were like an older dirty mall that you went into sort of like you go into the airport, and they were attached, the doors were right next to each other Cait: haha this is wild
ME: then we were ready to check our bags but sister needed to go through hers to see if she forgot something, and all my stuff was in this huuuge duffel bag with her stuff, so she took all of my stuff out and put it in a laundry basket
ME: then we're on the way in the airport (which looked like those ramp things at the steelers games) and my one bro was pushing the cart with the huge duffel bag on it, annie was sitting on the cart looking through the bag, and i'm still carrying the laundry basket full of my stuff, and annie crawls into the duffel bag and zips it up
ME: so now we go through security and the guy is like, you can't check a laundry basket full of clothes, but the shoes i had 'packed' in the laundry basket, he had to take out and swab with that wand thingy for gun powder
ME: and now we're so late for our plane, and my older brother (the one who's a pilot) decided that he's gonna rent a plane and fly us to florida instead of going on the commercial plane
Cait: oh, of course
Cait: why didn't you think of that :-)
ME: but they had all already gone in an suv over to the other runway to get to the rented plane... and i was still in security to get my extra pair of shoes checked and the guy telling me i cant take a laundry basket... then they finish with the shoes (no gunpowder ;-) ) and the security guy is this nice old guy, (but we still dont know that david rented a plane) and the old guy decided i can just go ahead with the basket.
Cait: haha
ME: so i'm like, ok, and looking for my sibs, and theres this huuuge opening on the other side of security, like 10 stories high, like they're gonna drive a plane in it, but its about 20 feet down to get to the outside ground from there, but thats where they take the baggage down with these huge concrete ramps that it takes all this effort to move...
ME: and theres this other girl from high school working there as a baggage person or whatever, but her outfit is all tailored and shes wearing these sporty high heeled boots with her outfit, sort of j.lo 'jenny from the block' style
ME: and i'm just standing there (20 feet up) with this basket like umm, wheres my family, then i see the suv driving to the plane and i'm like, oh, that must be them (of course?) so the guy takes my basket and puts it down the ramp to the ground but i'm still standing there like, umm, how do i get down.
ME: then i woke up.
ME: DRAMA
ME: -P
Cait: LOL!
Cait: that's insane cecilia
ME: there was another dream but i forget it right now
ME: haha
ME: it was weird, it wasnt as pretty of an airport as p-burgh either
ME: it was more like the outside of tampa's airport or something
Cait: haha
Cait: eww lol
ME: yea
ME: kinda dirty and closed in and inner city ish
ME: wow... what a story this early in the morning ;-) you're gonna be traumatized all day like, can i check my laundry basket as baggage?
ME: lol
Cait: LOL
Cait: sleeping is much more eventful for you

finders credit: Laur.

I'm all alone In the rain.

i just noticed that subject headers arent written into the html for this layout, so if i think of it sometime i'll add them in.

i also have some adorable videos of benji and stewart wrestling and playing and stuff today, lemme know if u wanna see them-i can email them or IM them to you.


btw-my sister has the patent on self-injury, and any mention of it by anyone else warrants the 'you just kicked my dog' voice from my mom.
ihatemyselfandiwanttodie.

another PM on an ED message board

i told my T last week that i dont really think i have an eating disorder (despite much evidence to the contrary). i'm not afraid of any foods, though i tend to gravitate to lower-fat foods... i blame my mom and mid-80's weight watchers low/no-fat crazes and governmental food labels becoming manditory for that. but i can almost always eat a full meal, or most of one (as long as i'm physically hungry... or in a binge mood ) though i do tend to eat quickly. i do enjoy (as most americans do) stepping on the scale and having lost a pound... or 10. anyway, i dont think that's that abnormal. i think its more that i'm just so depressed most of the time. one of the symptoms of depression is weight loss/loss of appetite. i'm pretty sure thats why i'm having such a hard time eating around people too. i always feel like i have to have that 'happy face' on, so they dont know i'm sitting there wishing i was dead or whatever, that i dont really care that their boyfriend/husband didnt take the garbage out, or who got sooo drunk and kissed a random guy at the bar last night. if i really told them that, they'd think i was just a bitch. that would make the next year and a half tough.

i love panera. it was actually the first place i went to eat when i was allowed out of renfrew for a meal with my mom. we also go there alot before/after ED support group (which ironically enough is meeting as we speak) in pittsburgh. unfortunately the closest panera to me is half an hour away... the good news though, it its near some semi-decent shopping.

on that note, i'm taking a nutrition class right now. its required for my major, and its not just for dental hygiene majors, other bio/nursing/etc majors take it too, so its a pretty big class for such a small school. its so weird, bc i dont really get 'triggered' by seeing skinny people, or stuff like that, but this class has been sooo hard for me to even just sit through, and we've only met like 4 times so far. i think its because i know so much of the stuff already... i always tell my T that i have an ed bc i DO know about food, not because i dont... its my argument against sending me to a nutritionist... thats a whole different topic. anyway, lots of what we've talked about so far has included how to eat a healthy (aka lower fat/cal diet) since most of the western world just stuffs their face and doesnt pay attention to what goes in, then wonders how they got obese. i understand that that is a part of nutrition, but seriously, teaching us things like how choosing skim or 2% milk will reduce your cals/fat for the day, thus creating a 'healthier diet' isnt that helpful for 3/4 of my class that are well within normal BMI's, yet still complain about how fat they are. (BTW-none of them know about my ED.)

from a PM to a guy-friend on an ED message board

Jan 30, 05

school started up 2 weeks ago... at the end of last semester i was having a really hard time just getting out of bed with the depression and all, and i was just all worn out from the whole semester. i'm trying to make it through now, but its still tough. i'm not big on talking to people for long periods of time (people im not close to... which is everyone) and i hate noisy places like cafeterias and the student union where most of my class goes to eat. the 40ish of us have all the same classes now, so people will ask if im going to lunch, or if i want to eat with them... its getting harder and harder to find excuses... esp since they all know we dont really have homework yet, so i cant even use that excuse. i think im just anti-social. maybe my puppy will make me more social.

Domain Name comcast.net
IP Address 68.48.120.38
Home Address:***** Woodbridge, VA
Linked From: http://caitsana.blogspot.com

anything else i missed blogstalker? yea i edited out your home address. thank me later.

jenn's afraid of the daaaaarrrrrkkkk

jenn: im so afraid of the dark its messed up lol
jenn: im waiting for some crazy wild animal to jump me or something
bnmpnmsnm: hehe
bnmpnmsnm: im like that alot too
bnmpnmsnm: i used to be afraid to put my feet on the floor after i got into bed bc i thought there were alligators that lived on the floor and would eat my ankles and feet so i couldnt stand up, then i'd fall over and they'd eat the rest of me
jenn: HAHAHAHA
bnmpnmsnm: traumatic
bnmpnmsnm: i still have my ankles though
bnmpnmsnm: i think i stepped on their heads and they died
jenn: thats good. they are important
bnmpnmsnm: yea

Insatiable - http://quenchless.blogspot.com

dear 'hi' aka blogstalker.

you visited my blog yesterday, jan 25 around noon, and havent visited since. oh i miss you so. where have you gone? i certainly hope everything is alright. feel free to write back. you could use a slightly more creative name than 'hi'. even 'cecilia lisbon' is a pseudonym. if you refuse to use your online name or your real name, at least give us some pleasure in knowing a little bit about you by perhaps letting us know your favorite movie or book and use a characters name from it as your new moniker.

sincerely, cecilia

templating, school, chocolate

Why is it so hard to find a decent new template for my blog? grrr. i have class in 15 minutes... i've been up here since 8:15am, and still have 3 more hours to go... its 6:15... omg i think i might fall asleep. good news though, i just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to geico. thats not really the good news. the softball team is selling sarris choc covered pretzels... i didnt know they made them in pretzel rod shape! a dollar for 2... niiice. caitee and laur you can vouch for me how good sarris choc pretzels are. omg. to. die. for. give me your address and a dollar and i'll send anyone some :-)

Human For Sale - Survey - How much are you worth?

I am worth $1,656,630.00 on HumanForSale.com

DA

I had no idea this even existed.
Depressed Anonymous



Dorothy Rowe, in her book Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison, describes how people build their prisons of depression by holding the following six beliefs as though they were real, absolute and immutable truths.
1. No matter how good and nice I appear to be, I am really bad, evil, valueless, unacceptable to myself and to others.
2. Other people are such that I must fear, hate and envy them.
3. Life is terrible and death is worse.
4. Only bad things happened to me in the past, and only bad things will happen to me in the future.
5. Anger is evil.
6. I must never forgive anyone, least of all myself.

Yet another reason why im not having kids.

Mental Health News

In the News
Columbia study shows depression intensifies from one generation to the next
10-Jan-2005 - Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons

Nearly 60 percent of children whose parents and grandparents suffered from depression have a psychiatric disorder before they reach their early teens, according to a new study by researchers at Columbia University Medical Center (CUMC) and the New York State Psychiatric Institute (NYSPI). This is more than double the number of children (approx. 28 percent) who develop such disorders with no family history of depression.

The study, published in the January issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry, is the first to follow three generations of high-risk families and has taken more than two decades to complete. The CUMC/NYSPI research team began studying 47 first generation family members in 1982; then interviewed 86 of their children several times as they grew into adulthood. The team has collected data from 161 members of the third generation, whose average age is 12.

Results found that most of the prepubescent grandchildren with a two-generation history of depression developed anxiety disorders that developed into depression as they aged into adolescence. This trend was also found when the researchers previously followed the children's parents through adolescence and adulthood.

"We have shown that the risk of depression is carried through several generations and that it intensifies as more generations are affected," said the study's lead author, Myrna Weissman, Ph.D., Professor of psychiatry and epidemiology at Columbia University Medical Center and Chief of the Department of Clinical & Genetic Epidemiology at New York State Psychiatric Institute. "Children with a two-generation family history of depression develop anxiety disorders earlier than other children and tend to experience more impairment." Other investigators involved included Priya Wickramaratne, Ph.D. and Virginia Warner, MPH.

Previous studies have shown that the children of a depressed parent are at greater risk of mood and anxiety disorders, but the Columbia study is the first to illustrate how the risk intensifies across three generations.

"Children of parents and grandparents with depression are at extremely high risk for mood and anxiety disorders even when they're very young," Dr. Weissman says. "They should be considered for treatment if they develop anxiety disorders, or at least monitored very closely."

New Benji Photographs

new photos of my baby, Benjidog Roethlisberger ****** (my real last name)... his nickname is Benji, but his full name is Benjidog, not BenjiMAN because he's not a man. Roethlisberger is his middle name after his favorite football player, and my future husband, Ben Roethlisberger. and obviously, our last name.

http://community.webshots.com/user/kikilovesbenji

have fun :-) he wasnt feeling well last night... or should i say this morning... he woke me up at 4:45 (after i went to bed at like 2 bc i was freaking out about school starting, and i was supposed to get up at 6) with this horrible wretching noise. i figured out what was going on, and luckily he was on the floor, not my bed, but its still no fun cleaning puke off of carpet. so he threw up then, then a few min later, and there was a little bit of blood in it, but it was mostly just bile that time, then again, and it was just all mucousy, and didnt look bloody. he hasnt thrown up since then, i went back to bed around 5:15, and woke up again when my dad called to be sure my alarm woke me up (which it hadnt) at 6:15.

Then i left (a little late because benji decided it would be appropriate to "mark" the 3 foot tall Grinch i have at the top of my stairs to my apartment (we were already leaving later than i had wanted to) so i had to clean that up so my apt and the hallway didnt smell like piss for a week. Finally got all that done, out in the car at 7:30 on my clock (7:25 normal people time, but i wanted to leave around 7) and i had forgotten cell phone, which is essential when its soo icy and when jenn promises text messages :-)... im still waiting btw jenn!!! drove like hellian to parents house to drop off dog and his bag o' stuff for my mom so she can watch him while im at school forever, then followed school bus up all 11 miles of windy roads. was turning into campus at 7:56 (which is actually 7:51) so there was still a *chance* that i could park somewhere halfway decent (by 9am the parking lots are usually about full) and make a mad dash to try to get to 1st day of 8am class on time, in negative 5 degree wind chill. I finally get up there, and i walk into the department's waiting room and i see a few of my classmates sitting out there, and i'm like, thats weird, there should be about 20 of them bc half the class has this class. then i remembered that on the first day of school, there is pre-registration in the morning from 7:30-8:30. at all other normal schools, they give the administration the entire day before to do this... but noooo, we have to be special. so no classes actually started until 9. so i sat around with a few other people from my class, we oogled pictures of my baby, and talked about our breaks... ugh other people annoy the hell out of me. i dont care how drunk your boyfriend got and wanted to beat up his old neighbor. or how you got an ATV for christmas. i just plain dont care. and i dont want to tell you how my break went. because most of it would be a made up story about how wonderful and pleasant it was, when in reality it was a depressed nothingness, highlighted by the appearance of my puppy. but the honeymoon didnt last, and i've been just about as depressed these last couple days as i had been before. oh well, there goes the "maybe if we get cecilia a dog she'll get happy" theory. it did help momentarily. so i guess every 2 weeks they'll have to get me another dog... umm no. i am getting *some* excersize though, when i take him for walks 3-4 times a day.

20 minutes then off to another 4 hour lab. then a break for "dinner"... haha yea, like this is a break for "lunch"... then oral pathology from 6:30 til hell freezes over. then i get to go pick up my baby. the only semi-bright spot of my whole day. btw, i did call my mom a lil bit ago, benji's doing fine, hasnt thrown up since i left him. she said "so are you going to lunch with a bunch of the other girls?" hahaha yeaaa mom, riiight. actually my tummy is beginning to growl a bit. maybe a skim milk chai... leave me comments. <3

if u want more info on the whole tears/snot thing...

http://www.newyorkeyedocs.com/infoh.html

school started today. good news. i only have 10 and a half hours of class on tuesdays, instead of the 11 i thought i was going to have. turns out oral pathology will probably only be 2 and a half hours every tuesday. lucky me. i told my mom i should be getting paid overtime to do this. then i remembered im paying them to do it. how fucked up is that?

i posted this on a msg board

a girl said about after she purges, "i have mucus everywhere, my eyes water and my nose runs, i cant tell whats what..."

so little miss anatomy (me) posted a reply explaining this phenomenon to her.

"that makes complete sense... the mucous membranes in your nose, mouth, and all down your GI tract need to be moist constantly, which is the reason for so many salivary glands. the way the ones in your nose stay moist, is by way of the lacrimal ducts, which are the same ones that produce tears. they're always producing more tears to keep your eyes moist, but you dont have tears running down your face all the time because the extra ones are funneled down these ducts at the inside of your eyes to the membranes in your nose... they work to filter out the air you breathe before it gets to your lungs, they filter out all the dust/dirt/germs/etc in the air and they get stuck in the moisture on the membranes. after a while, these harden, or glob together, and it creates snot. your nose runs when you cry or tear because there is way too much extra than is needed to moisturise your eyes and nose together, so it comes out both places. yummy, huh. so when you're crying and someone wipes a tear from your eye, you can smile on the inside and think "they just wiped my runny snot."

<3 cecilia"

i am alive and well... and guess what!!! im getting a dog!!! yay!!! i've wanted a dog for a very long time, but i was worried my landlord (landlady? that sounds funny) wouldnt want me to, bc she'd be afraid the dog would wreck the apartment. my dad called her yesterday (didnt tell me he was calling!!!) and he's known her since he was a little kid, and she really wants me to get a dog!!! eeek! im sooo excited, my mom said "i havent seen a smile that big in a really long time"... lol i said "i told u that if i got a dog i'd stop being depressed!" ;) as if its that easy... but hey, it cant hurt!

christmas was fine... of course the food was a little nervewracking, but i set in my mind before christmas eve dinner and christmas dinner, i would fix myself one plate of food, eat most/all of it, and that would be it. no dessert so i wouldnt get too freaked out, though i dont usually get freaked out about food stuff like that. how weird am i, an anorexic chick whos not afraid of food. lol... im going over to my friends' house for new years, they live near philadelphia, pennsylvania, which is about 6 hours from here. i think i'm going to take the train, so i'll probably leave friday morning, get in that afternoon/early evening, then leave sunday or monday. the people i'm going to see are ones i was IP with last year. one of them has since gotten married, but the 3 of them all live together now, plus one more roomate. sounds like a full house to me!

i hope everything's going well for everyone :-)
happy new year!!!
<3 cecilia

Insatiable Password Ideation... Playoff Invitation... and Pondering Inflation... the day of big "P-I" words

Insatiable

ok so i might change and just use my LJ so i can make it friends-only... but im not sure yet. lemme know if you have an LJ in my comments either on the LJ or on this blog. I'll still let you (most of you) read it... except blog-stalker... it wont be as fun without you around... so maybe i'll add you to my 'friends'. feel free to add me too.

i went to the stillers game today... rock on... they won 20-7... but my baby ben roethlisberger got hurt... have to go look up online to see if he'll be ok for next game and playoffs. 13-1, or is it 14-1 now? undefeated at home this season. wow. im getting addicted to football.


this next little bit is a clip from "Cecilia and Jenn learn about Inflation."


Jenn: i still dont get how that inflation thing works
Me: i understood it in high school economics when he explained it in terms of a pie
Me: foooood
Jenn: hahaa
Jenn: i dont get it cause they taught me that it was backed by gold, but now its not anymore so like whats the point?
Jenn: just print out more $$ and give it to whatever country we owe
Me: how every year, pretend our national budget is the size of a 10 inch pie. then next year, the WHOLE pie grows, so now its an 11 inch pie. all the pieces stay the same percentage of the whole, but each piece is worth more. somehow that relates.
Me: lol
Jenn: yeah but if u eat 1/8 of the first pie, and then same for the second, you'll get fuller
Me: hmm. then you'll get fatter.
Me: so really its better for the pie to get smaller
Jenn: hahahaa
Me: bc then you'll trick yourself to thinking you still ate the same percentage so you should be full
Me: and over time you will feel full
Me: by eating less
Me: hmm...
Jenn: but instead food sizes are increasing
Jenn: so world is fatter
Me: thus, INFLATION OF WAISTLINES!
Me: dude, now we get it!!!
Jenn: HAHAHAAAA
Jenn: but i dont get how its a bad thing in terms of money
Jenn: we have more cash but its worth less?
Jenn: so its annoying to carry around the extra weight of the cash
Me: yea...
Jenn: and u would want it more compact
Me: pretty much :-)
Jenn: yay

Frohliche Weihnachten zu allen, und zu alle, eine stille, leise nacht.

www.CafePress.com

i passed the semester... 3.22 overall. does that mean i have to go back next semester? umm...

this is me:
Women's Pink T-Shirt : Steelers Women - Mrs. Roethlisberger : CafePress.com

loooonnngg day

bnmpnmsnm: i just got new drugs... i cant remember if i was on sonata before or not...
bnmpnmsnm: my psych told me that if i killed myself he'd chase me all the way down to hell, catch me and beat me.
bnmpnmsnm: lol he's silly.
bnmpnmsnm: he seems to think im gonna kill myself.
bnmpnmsnm: silly monkey.
bnmpnmsnm: im too apathetic to do anything ambitious like that.
bnmpnmsnm: duh.

Cecilia's Intestines

bnmpnmsnm: i'm thinking of naming my bowels.
bnmpnmsnm: it cant be anything too sweet though. i'm pissed off at them too much of the time.
bnmpnmsnm: maybe "MOTHERFUCKINGBITCHASS-TESTINES"
bnmpnmsnm: wow... what an away message that would make

how the fuck did that happen?

within a 5 minute conversation, i suddenly went from having some freedom (aka being allowed to take some time off to nurse my depression) to going to work tomorrow. fuck fuck fuckity fuck. what the hell was i thinking. i was practically guilted into it though. of course, who the fuck else is there to teach PJ? you teach her the best. the others arent patient enough and dont explain things well. i seriously am starting to envy people that have jobs in cubicles that never talk to their co-workers. i went to lunch with all of them today and within 15 minutes all the anxiety and frustration of being around them and having to be the "public me" had me semi-dissociating, not to mention them all fucking asking me if i was eating enough protein (JUST LIKE MY DAD DOES) and watching me eat. i hate it when u get a salad and lettuce takes up most of the bowl, and all the other stuff is stacked like 2 inches above the bowl, and u eat all the other stuff but theres still a bowl full of lettuce and a few extraneous pieces of cheese and chicken and stuff left and getting the "she's not eating again" look. i ate til it fucking hurt ok! i dont need to prove anything to you fatasses. i was barely even hungry to start with and have been having stomach pain-ish stuff for a couple months which is making it very hard to eat.

i quit, i'm finished, done with life. :'-(

Whale Shit at the Bottom of the Ocean

Whale Shit at the Bottom of the Ocean

Self-esteem is bad. It makes you do bad things, like getting up out of bed (you'll use dwindling natural resources and contribute to pollution), eating (food that should be going to starving refugee orphans), going to work (continuing the oppression of billions) and thinking you are as good, if not better, than other people.

finally a monday without school! dad and i went to the steelers game last night, they beat the jets and are now 12-1!!! check out pictures here-chickofthesea.


here's a survey. 2004 year in review.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
- swam with stingrays!!!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- i dont believe in new years resolutions bc u always end up failing and feeling worse about yourself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
- one of my high school softball coaches died of cancer, she was in her 20s

5. What countries did you visit?
- jamaica, cayman islands, haiti, mexico (all on a cruise)

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
- a dog :-)

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- the day of the flood in september. the whole town was under water.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- saving enough money to buy a car

9. What was your biggest failure?
- i'll let you know when grades come home, semi-relapsing

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
- only self inflicted ones

11. What was the best thing you bought?
- my car, fiona

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
- sister got sober, jenna went to renfrew, laur went to tx, dad went to T with me

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
- ex-boyfriend's... thats why hes the ex.

14. Where did most of your money go?
- bills, car

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
- getting a stingray hickey.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
- anything by evanescence

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? sadder
ii. Thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. Richer or poorer? richer - so i guess you cant be too rich, too thin, or too sad?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
- read real books.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
- spending time at appointments

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
- with family

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
- umm... i told someone i loved him... does that count? not sure if i did or not...

23. How many one-night stands?
- lol, umm none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
- sopranos reruns!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
- dont think so.

26. What was the best book you read?
- uhh... hmm... i must have read one full book.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- the word "americana"

28. What did you want and get?
- my own apartment

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
- i cant remember the last movie i saw...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- went to one of those japanese hibachi places with family and boyfriend, 22

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
- successful anti-depressants

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
- dammit nothing fits! what do u mean im a size 15!!!

34. What kept you sane?
- having my own apartment (key word: apart!), doing self destructive things

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
- anyone with an ED... mkolsen comes to mind...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
- omg the whole freaking election drama. i approve this message.

37. Who did you miss?
- katie, whole frew crew

38. Who was the best new person you met?
- colleen seems cool, she's in my DH class.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
- dont get mad by things that people on drugs tell you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
- "It's so hard to see the rainbow through glasses dark as these"~johnny cash

2004 year in review

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
- swam with stingrays!!!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- i dont believe in new years resolutions bc u always end up failing and feeling worse about yourself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
- one of my high school softball coaches died of cancer, she was in her 20s

5. What countries did you visit?
- jamaica, cayman islands, haiti, mexico (all on a cruise)

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
- a dog :-)

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- the day of the flood in september. the whole town was under water.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- saving enough money to buy a car

9. What was your biggest failure?
- i'll let you know when grades come home, semi-relapsing

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
- only self inflicted ones

11. What was the best thing you bought?
- my car, fiona

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
- sister got sober, jenna went to renfrew, laur went to tx, dad went to T with me

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
- ex-boyfriend's... thats why hes the ex.

14. Where did most of your money go?
- bills, car

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
- getting a stingray hickey.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
- anything by evanescence

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? sadder
ii. Thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. Richer or poorer? richer - so i guess you cant be too rich, too thin, or too sad?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
- read real books.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
- spending time at appointments

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
- with family

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
- umm... i told someone i loved him... does that count? not sure if i did or not...

23. How many one-night stands?
- lol, umm none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
- sopranos reruns!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
- dont think so.

26. What was the best book you read?
- uhh... hmm... i must have read one full book.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- the word "americana"

28. What did you want and get?
- my own apartment

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
- i cant remember the last movie i saw...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- went to one of those japanese hibachi places with family and boyfriend, 22

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
- successful anti-depressants

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
- dammit nothing fits! what do u mean im a size 15!!!

34. What kept you sane?
- having my own apartment (key word: apart!), doing self destructive things

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
- anyone with an ED... mkolsen comes to mind...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
- omg the whole freaking election drama. i approve this message.

37. Who did you miss?
- katie, whole frew crew

38. Who was the best new person you met?
- colleen seems cool, she's in my DH class.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
- dont get mad by things that people on drugs tell you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
- "It's so hard to see the rainbow through glasses dark as these"~johnny cash

Christmas Decorating

i hate christmas decorating. it seems so pointless. all this work and almost no one sees it bc no one ever comes over except maybe a couple relatives the whole season. then its like halfway through january and everythings still up and now its all dusty and tired and you're bored of looking at it and you have to put twice as much effort into putting it all away. i hate it.

dad and T

ok so i probably wouldnt admit it normally, but i think i'm actually liking having my dad go to T with me. i dont like that they dont understand why i have such a problem with eating, and that me not knowing *how* to eat or what to eat isnt the problem. yes my weights low but not too low. T is in favor of me getting a dog, as are parents, but dads worried that if i end up having to go IP they'll have to take care of it and that's not fair to toby (family dog-he's like 18 and not too fond of other dogs anymore, seeing as he never thought he was one in the first place).

more later.

Grabbabook

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal, along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you…

"Recent studies employing the ganzfield procedure have eliminated many of the methodological flaws present in earlier research and have demonstrated some weak evidence for psi."
~from my gen psych book i used as a reference on ED paper

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

why is it NOW that anxiety decides to take control... i could have gone to bed an hour or 2 or 3 ago no problem... now im freaking out over nothing... why am i doing this??? only 2 more finals, psych tomorrow, hospitality management friday... psych paper due tomorrow... almsot done...

T with dad at 2 tomorrow. i should not have to function after those sessions. i should be given leeway time of at least a day or 2 to cry or get angry or whatever just comes out after them. bc otherwise i just end up barking at someone like i did at the girl last week. but she did kinda deserve it bc she was really rude. but thats not like me to just almost yell at someone. maybe i'll scrounge up some benadryl...

finals count. 2 down. 3 to go. plus a psych paper. on ED's. how hard can it be? i might have some experience...

Merriam-Webster Online

Merriam-Webster Online:

"Merriam-Webster's Words of the Year 2004
Based on your online lookups, the #1 Word of the Year for 2004 was

Blog

noun [short for Weblog] (1999) : a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer"

even santa must get the blues.

i posted this on *PS* in response to a girl saying "i hate myself"

you know what i just thought of when i read where u said "i hate myself"... i was thinking, how can you hate someone you dont really even know? i certainly dont want to speak for you, but i personally dont know myself very well, and im sure theres lots of others here who would say the same thing. now i'm being the hypocrite and saying these things bc i cant count how many times a day those words "i hate myself" go through my mind. i think most of the time, no matter what i'm "hating" myself for at the moment, even if that particular thing were different, i would still "hate myself" and use those words against myself. for example, "my thighs are so fat, i hate myself"... if i were to lose 10 pounds my thighs wouldnt be as fat but i'd probably still "hate myself". wow, im going cognitive behavioral on myself... my T would be so proud...

i think maybe for us/me "i hate myself" is more of a feeling of general hatred toward a situation, or person, or cover for some other feeling that we can't give voice to, so it all comes out as "i hate myself."

wow, i dont know how that looks typed out, but it sounds pretty profound in my head for 8 in the morning during finals week.

cecilia

dad went to T with me yesterday... i guess it was good. nothing bad came out of it, and maybe now he's going to start dealing with his own feelings. it was also the 33 anniversary of the day his dad died. its sad bc he's still got lots of issues that he's never really dealt with with his dad and its too late to be able to say them to his face. i guess maybe he really wants to do this with me so that i don't grow up and have all these things going on in me that i just never said to his face while he's still alive. i've already had 4 more years with my dad that he never had with his. i feel sad and guilty about that. and that he felt like theres no other way to fix me (until now) other than by force feedings. good news for me though, he might not be doing them anymore.

oh yea, and we're going again next week.

finals start monday.
Mon 10am Head and Neck anatomy Final
Tues 8am Dental Hygiene Lecture Final
Weds8am Tooth Morphology Final
Thur10am Psych of Childhood & Adolescence Final and Paper due
2pm T with dad
Fri 10am Hospitality and Tourism Management Final

I'm writing my psych paper (8-10 pg) on Eating disorders in our culture and have to compare it to 2 other contrasting cultures. if you have any info could u lemme know! pretty please??? i'll love you forever! even if you are a blog stalker... ps i feel really left out that i havent gotten any comments from the blog stalker since they obviously know my passwords.

oh yea, and one more thing. im fat. and it sucks.

alcoholic

i don't think its alcoholic of me (even given my family history) that the only thing that ever makes me feel at all better is a beer. or a glass of wine. it doesnt usually take more than 1 or 2 to make me feel *better*... and its not like once i start feeling *better* i keep drinking... maybe it just induces hypomania in me... and it almost always makes me feel better. better than any antidepressants ever have, any therapy ever has, any being *in touch* with my emotions ever has. its weird, when i feel like this, i dont care to be depressed any more, but when i'm depressed, i usually just want to stay depressed. i dont know if this is making sense... but is it possible that alcohol, rather than being a depressant, is an ANTI-depressant?

Nicole and I should rewrite the new version of the DSM...

CECILIA: not meaning to change the subject, but do you remember what it was like before this stuff got bad? like when you got joy out of life, had fun doing things... realize what your illnesses have taken from you?
Nicole: i've never felt "good" or anything..
CECILIA: same here.
Nicole: my entire life has been hell.. maybe not day to day.. but in the large scheme of things..
CECILIA: like at the point where you dont think its possible for things to ever be any better? that happiness isnt possible? like its not even an option?
Nicole: yeah.. that's basically how i'm feeling..
Nicole: the only thing i think i've felt in the past few weeks is guilt and apathy..
CECILIA: me too... and i just dont care enough to want to *try* to get better, or to do anything to change things
Nicole: thats EXACTLY how i feel..
CECILIA: like you just want to be left alone?
CECILIA: yea. thats me. we must be twins.
Nicole: pretty much.. i mean.. i just want people to let me die at this point.. to starve myself to death.. or just OD..
CECILIA: there must be a DSM code for this.

why i quit T

CECILIA: umm did i tell u what i did friday
Laur: i don't think so
CECILIA: i quit T
Laur: what she say?
CECILIA: by the end of the session, i was just like, i dont want to do this any more
CECILIA: i've been telling her for weeks that im a waste of her time, my parents money, seeing her
CECILIA: and she's like i dont think you're a waste of anything, i just want to help you get down to your real feelings... etc... the same shit thats been there since the day i started seeing her
CECILIA: she said that if i ever need anything or want to come back i can call her
CECILIA: and i still have her home number and her email
CECILIA: i told her that im out of ways to try to think about the same things. and that i thought she was out of ideas for me. so i asked her, do you have any more ideas? she was like, yea i've got lots. but first you have to get down deep to your feelings...
CECILIA: i said, then no, you dont have any new ideas, thats the same thing you've been telling me for 2 and a half years, and we're not much further now than when we started.
CECILIA: i didnt say it meanly like it looks typed out, i was crying
CECILIA: lol
CECILIA: so yea. i was like, i dont want to come back.
CECILIA: she gave me a hug and wished me well
CECILIA: and i left
CECILIA: *breath*

i quit T

Adina: cecilia?
CECILIA: hey :-)
Adina: how are u?
CECILIA: umm...
Adina: be honest
Adina: i hear ya girl
CECILIA: how are u?
Adina: i asked u 1st
CECILIA: umm i stopped going to T...
CECILIA: you're the first one i've told
Adina: u stopped?? why?
CECILIA: yea...
CECILIA: im just tired of it
CECILIA: we're not getting anywhere other than its somewhere for me to talk
Adina: which is important
CECILIA: i told her, i like coming here bc i talk to u, i dont really talk to anyone else
Adina: yeah but its an outlet
CECILIA: she told me if i ever need anything or want to come back or anything she'll still be there.
CECILIA: yea
Adina: s/o understands where else do u get that?
CE