Mom's letters to T
I told Jenn a while ago i would post these when i could. well here they are. the first is a letter my mom wrote to my now ex-T before i started seeing her, and the second after they talked the night after my first *session* with her. i just realized i might have to edit them... the first one is 6 pages long.
*note- this T had a son my age, one older, and a daughter my sibling’s age, so thats how she knew about my school and stuff.
CECILIA- replaces my name (duh.)
anything in {} is something I added.
of course i added all the color/bold/italics myself to highlight the parts i thought were pretty important. AKA-lies, etc.
May 29, 2002
Dear *****,
My aim with this letter will be to tell you anything that I think might help you to understand CECILIA a little better. It is my fervent hope and prayer that we can get things turned around for her so that she can find her way to success in whatever she wants for her life.
I guess I’ll start with some of my earliest recollections. When CECILIA was born, she was an incredibly laid-back baby/child. There wasn’t much that upset her; I can’t remember many times when she cried because she was hungry or needed changed (she and I flew back from Colorado to Pittsburgh when she was 6 months old, and I was still totally breastfeeding her at that point—because of the close seating arrangement on the plane, I was hesitant to nurse her, and she never made a sound for the entire duration of the flight or a quick stopover in Chicago, and waited patiently until we were in our car in Pittsburgh).
When she was in preschool as a 4 year old, her teacher commented several times to me that she was always the last one to finish her “work” and always seemed to dawdle during whatever the class was doing.
CECILIA was tested and placed in the Gifted and Talented Program as a 1st grader at Woodsdale (I believe her IQ was tested around ***). Her teacher in this program also told us quite a few times that CECILIA didn’t finish her work promptly, often forgot to bring homework to school, and generally did not have good organizational skills for her age. CECILIA had this teacher for math and English all through grades 1-5, and these struggles were a consistent problem through these years. The only time that CECILIA fulfilled her teacher’s expectations in these areas was when I designed an index card that the teacher merely had to checkmark each day in areas such as “turned homework in promptly,” “finished work promptly,” etc. CECILIA’s part of the deal was that she had to remember to present the card to the teacher at the end of the day, and to bring it home for us to check and initial. CECILIA carried this card for about 6 weeks, during which time the teacher reported remarkable progress in all the areas listed on the card. The teacher then thought that CECILIA should “go it alone” without the card…and within several weeks she had fallen back into her old habits. I should also mention that in her grade school years, CECILIA had only one or two B’s on her report cards…all the rest were consistently A’s.
CECILIA started ****** {private junior high/highschool} in the 6th grade, and her grades at first were pretty reasonable (mid 80’s to 90’s). But as the years progressed the grades continued to slip. She had HPL and honors quite a few times in the first 3 years at ******, but never had either even once in high school. When she was in 7th grade, she had Mrs. Huggins for English (remember her??). One day CECILIA came home from school with a note that she had not turned in a paper or something that had been due that day in Mrs. Huggins’ class. She told Mrs. Huggins that the paper was at home and she would bring it in the next day. I told her to find it and bring it to me, and after about 30 minutes she came to me and said she couldn’t find it, and it must be in her locker and she’d find it the next day. I told her no, that we would go back to school so she could get it then. After about 20 minutes of tearing apart everything in her locker, I said, “CECILIA, that paper isn’t in your locker, is it?” She told me no, and I asked her if she had done the paper, and she told me that she had not. Mrs. Huggins happened to still be in her room, so I had CECILIA go in alone to tell her that she had lied to her, which she did. Mrs. Huggins was surprisingly kind to her and talked to her for quite a while about her work, the importance of truthfulness, etc.
In CECILIA’s 8th grade year, a very close friend of hers from school attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of Tylenol. This attempt followed the friend’s bragging at school that she would be loosing her virginity that weekend with a guy from another school. The school nurse found out about it, and was going to call the girl’s mother, and this precipitated the suicide attempt. I had known this girl (and her mother) since 1st grade, and had been her Brownie leader for several years. CECILIA and I went to the hospital to visit her, but found a “no visitors” sign on her door. We went to the nurses station and asked if we could just go in to give the girl a hug, and when the girl heard we were there she wanted us to come in. We stayed for just a few minutes, and CECILIA seemed to derive a great deal of comfort that she had been able to visit with her even briefly. Despite this, CECILIA was emotionally a wreck about the situation, and was upset by the teasing that her friend endured.
That same year, CECILIA began seeing Chris Sampson, a tutor and “educational specialist” (I don’t really know what her title was, but she had a business in Elm Grove helping students who were having academic problems.) CECILIA seemed to get along well with Chris, and had many sessions with her learning note-taking and other study skills. But Chris told us early in CECILIA’s freshman year that unless CECILIA was willing to due her part and not procrastinate about getting her work finished, there was nothing further she could do for her.
{What my mom failed to mention is in the mid/end of 8th grade after that whole friend’s attempt thing, they sent me to my first T for depression. I forget exactly how long I saw her for, but it was for several months I think, and I did feel better when I finished seeing her.}
When CECILIA was a freshman in Doc’s biology class, she started out strong but her grades quickly began to drop. From our standpoint, she didn’t seem to be putting in the time needed for such a rigorous class. This began our first real attempt to try to take a more hands-on approach with her. {dad} and I would spend several hours each night reviewing and studying bio and a couple of other subjects where she was having similar problems. Our main goal was to show her how to organize her study time to prepare for tests, etc. Her grades stayed more stable while we were doing this, mostly in the 80’s. But at the same time, teachers were still reporting that she wasn’t turning in all her work and in general wasn’t putting in the time on homework, etc. (we felt she wasn’t telling us about all the homework she had been assigned). One day CECILIA was very angry with us (me, mostly) because I was “demanding” (her word) that she sit down so we could review bio. She said that no one else had to have their “mommy” study with them and she wasn’t going to do it anymore. From that point on I backed out of the situation.
Not long after this, in the early spring of her freshman year, she came out of school looking like someone had died. When she got into the car, she burst into tears and said that Doc had caught her cheating on a bio test (she had used fluorescent-green note cards to prepare cheat sheets). Doc saw them during the test, and stood her in front of the class and berated her, and then sent her to the office to deal with Reno{school’s headmaster, aka principal}. The result was that CECILIA had work details for the remainder of the year, but they did allow her to finish the bio class for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest embarrassment with this whole deal was that several of the boys in her class called her “cheater” when they would pass her in the hall for the rest of her freshman year. This also continued through her sophomore year.
After the cheating incident, Dan and I had a long talk with her about pressure, study skills, grades, etc. During this conversation, I asked her if she had ever contemplated suicide…and her reply was yes. So we got her started with Bob CECILIA** {second T}. She saw Bob off and on until he died 2 years ago. (He told me once that his view of CECILIA was that she was a very “fragile” person.)
In CECILIA’s sophomore year, her grades continued to head steadily lower, and most were in the 70’s by that point as I recall. Teachers (Geoff Schoolar, Matt DiOrio and a couple of others) were telling us that she was “mouthy” in class and wasn’t doing what was required for their classes. Her sessions with Bob Mendelson continued, but seemed to be having little effect on her academically (I can’t honestly say that I saw much difference in her emotionally, either). By the end of the 3rd grading period, CECILIA was very close to failing English for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest problem with this was that she and I were scheduled to go on a school-sponsored 3 week trip to Europe in June, and if she failed English she would have to take English in summer school and we would have to forfeit all the money we had paid for the trip. By the end of the year, she was officially failing English and had seemingly done little to turn this situation around in the last grading period. The week before finals, Bob decided that perhaps Prozac would help her to “concentrate” so that she could do better on her finals, especially English. So she started taking Prozac four days before her English final. I’m not sure that the Prozac could be credited with any miracle, but somehow CECILIA managed to get an 86 on her English final after failing mostly everything through the semester and passive-aggressively refusing to learn her declamation. Matt ******, her English teacher, told us that he couldn’t fail a student who had performed relatively well on the final…so he passed her with a 70 when her actual grade for the year should have been a 68. CECILIA continued to take Prozac for a year or so, and she quit taking it without telling us, saying later that she didn’t like “taking medicine.” Bob also got her started on Ritalin (I can’t remember exactly when, but it should be in Bob’s notes). CECILIA reported that it seemed to help her, but again stopped taking it on her own without letting us know.
Early in CECILIA’s junior year, she began having very severe headaches and fainting spells. At one point she was routinely missing 2-3 days each week of school. We took her to a long succession of doctors, and were told the following depending on the doctor: CECILIA’s classes are too hard, we should talk to the teachers about putting less pressure on her (we never went back to that dr); CECILIA has anorexia (she was mostly vegetarian, but definitely was eating); CECILIA has skeletal problems that would need repeat visits to a chiropractor to solve the headache problem; CECILIA needs to see a massage therapist; CECILIA needs to exercise more; CECILIA has migraines (imitrex and other meds had no effect on the headaches); CECILIA needs to sleep more; etc etc etc. After going through a nightmarish 5 months and nearly 20 doctors, in March of 1999 we talked to Dan’s cousin in San Francisco, who is an MD and the best diagnostician we know. He listened to everything we had been through, and told us he strongly suspected that CECILIA had “mitral valve prolapse with dysautonomia.” He suggested we see a Dr. at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who treats many patients with this little-known syndrome. In April CECILIA and I went to Birmingham, and after several tests the Dr. told us that CECILIA indeed had this syndrome. (I have enclosed an article which describes the syndrome.) In a nutshell what it involves is a failure of the autonomic nervous system to regulate the “automatic” functions of the body. This often manifests itself in fainting and headaches because the body doesn’t regulate fluids well, resulting in the body literally being “down a quart” on fluids. This is what causes the headaches and fainting. There is not an anatomic mitral valve prolapse, but rather a “floppy” valve caused by the lowered amount of fluids in the system. Basically when the body is hydrated to over-hydrated, all the symptoms disappear. This wonderful Dr. in Alabama put CECILIA on several medications to attempt to alleviate the symptoms: a beta blocker to stop the heart palpitations, another med to help the body to hold onto more fluids, plus 2 more meds that I can’t remember at the moment. The result was that within a few days, all the problems resolved. CECILIA has learned that she must constantly be on guard against getting even a little dehydrated. She is very good about carrying a water bottle with her, and knows that in hot weather she must constantly take in fluids. She knows that she will dehydrate very quickly, with fainting the usual result. CECILIA took her meds for many months, and then stopped taking everything, once again without telling anyone that she was doing this.
CECILIA’s senior year was more of the same academically. Her grades were in the 70’s, and often were failing. She applied to several colleges, with Mount Union her 1st choice. Despite the low average academically, she had a 1260 SAT. She only received a probational acceptance at Mount Union, which really seemed to surprise her. After that, she didn’t even want to consider Mount Union anymore and ended up going to {1st college}, which had already offered her a $5000 leadership scholarship because of all the sports, clubs, etc in which she was involved. She also received a $1500 vocal scholarship to participate in Wesleyan Singers. Her first semester at Wesleyan she had about a 2.4 GPA, with each successive semester going lower.
In this year, her sophomore year, she had a 1.8 first semester and a 1.45 this past semester. At Christmas break, we told her that she would have to have a 3.0 for the spring semester for us to continue to pay for her tuition. The 1.45 was the result. CECILIA has already met with the financial aid person at Wesleyan, and plans to work this summer to earn some of the money she’ll need and take out student loans for the rest. We have told her that we will continue to pay for room and board for this year, and if she earns a 3.0 or better in the fall semester, we will pay her tuition for the spring semester. (If you feel for any reason after working with CECILIA that we should reverse our decision to have her pay her own tuition, we would be completely open to whatever you suggest.) Her cumulative GPA currently stands at a 2.2.
CECILIA also pledged a sorority this past fall, and has really enjoyed the friendships she has made. She loves the sorority and the sisterhood, and was required to attend “study tables” this semester because her GPA was so low in the fall semester. Apparently they did little to help her to get better grades.
CECILIA discovered from Chris Sampson that she can “read better” if the words are printed on colored paper, so she uses a piece of plexiglass covered with colored saran wrap over the page when she reads. She tells us that this helps. She also told me last week that a friend of hers concentrates better when she takes Ritalin, and asked if she could try it again. When her most recent set of grades came and she looked at them, we asked her if she knew that they would be that bad. She told us that she honestly thought they would be better, and seemed surprised by them. Despite “learning” at ****** to keep track of every grade so that you have some idea of where you stand in your classes, she just shrugs her shoulders when asked why she doesn’t do it. This past semester, she started out carrying 14 hours, and dropped history late in the semester because “her grade wasn’t THAT bad, but she wanted to concentrate on her other classes.” She finished the semester with only 11 hours, and the 1.45 GPA in them.
One rather unusual thing (in light of the other grades she has received) is that CECILIA took 2 classes at {current college} last summer, getting an A in one and a B in the other. She mentioned the other day that she thinks she does OK in the first part of a regular semester, but gets “bored” and finds it difficult to attend to her work after that. She has not done well even in the classes which pertain to her major, public relations (which we feel was a good choice, and one she made entirely on her own after starting out as a biology major, which we did not feel was a good match for her). She will be taking a 3 hour class, philosophy, at {current college} in June this summer.
Our first reaction to CECILIA’s recent poor academic performance is to give note to how much time she watches TV, listens to country music (just ask her, she is the most knowledgeable person on the topic that I know!), spends on the computer, and spends in sorority activities. I am certain that I could not have gotten decent grades while spending so much time on non-academic pursuits. But on the other hand, we worry that perhaps CECILIA’s gifted and talented teacher, Chris Sampson, and Bob Mendelson could have missed a learning disability or other learning problem. And we understand your concern that there might be a depression problem to address as well. {dad} and I also have considered privately that college may not be for CECILIA, but she has never communicated this with us and we have never brought it up with her. Obviously she would have to have some alternative “plan” for what to do, should this be the way she decides to go.
We are at the end of everything we know to try with CECILIA. She is a genuinely nice person, fun to be around, and seems to have many friends at Wesleyan. CECILIA and I enjoy going to country music concerts together, and we enjoy being with her when she is home and on our family vacations. The things I have described here don’t tell the whole story, and are slanted negatively to try to illustrate the problems with which we have dealt. When we try to talk with her about anything related to academics, she becomes very sullen and sometimes even confrontational with us. I don’t think we are “in-your-face” kind of parents, and I think we have tried to be lenient and patient with her. It is very frustrating to talk with her about her grades; I detest having to be the “school police” with her and the way it negatively affects our relationship as mother-daughter. We ask her through the semester how things are going with her classes, and always hear all about the good tests, etc; when her grades have come each of her four semesters, we are always surprised and disappointed based on what she has told us through the semester. We have deliberately not been more demanding about hearing specifically how she is doing, feeling that she is an adult and how she does is her responsibility.
I know that this is very, very long, and I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read it. We love CECILIA with all our hearts and will do anything to help her to discover her way to success. We are very grateful for the guidance and encouragement that you have already given us, and truly look forward to working together with you to help our daughter.
With Sincerest Gratitude,
June 28, 2002
Hi *****,
I wanted to be sure you had this information on {1st college’s} Counseling Service before CECILIA’s appointment Monday. It seems that they have 2 psychologists on staff that are available to see students. I have not called them to see how this is arranged. Would it be better if you called so you could describe exactly what she will need? Or would you rather I make the initial contact? Either way is fine with me, as long as I know what to ask if I am the one who makes the call. I have no problem if you want to tell CECILIA that you printed out the Wesleyan information from your computer (rather than it coming from me).
I assume you received my message that CECILIA will be seeing Dr. Carol ***** on Tuesday at 4:45. I left a message with Dr. Carol that you wanted to talk with her; hopefully you can touch bases with her before CECILIA’s appointment on Tuesday to fill her in on what you have in mind for treatment. I will be out of town all next week, so CECILIA will be going alone to both her appointment with you on Monday as well as her appointment with Carol on Tuesday. Dan will be in town; you can reach him any time at either the office or at home. {dad’s}cell phone # is ***-****.
Some other thoughts/observations Dan and I have had this week: CECILIA may still be trying to “diet” by skipping meals. There have been several (maybe 5 or 6) times this week that she has said she “was not hungry” when we have been deciding what to do for dinner, and has not eaten. She definitely tends toward carbohydrates when she does eat, and since she is partially vegetarian she already opts out of many protein sources (she will eat eggs, cheese, fish, and chicken, but eats no red meat other than chili.)
She also has still been staying up very late, even when she has had to be up early for class. She has had 2 take home tests this week, and has told us that some of the info for these has to be found on the internet. She has spent a great deal of time on the internet, and when she is online she nearly always has instant messenger open. Last night she had the last of the take home tests to complete, and it appeared to me that instant messenger was the only thing she was actually doing. I went to bed at 12:30 and she was still online. I understand that there are other problems in the total picture of CECILIA, but from my point of view the internet/instant messenger borders on being compulsive with her. She has a computer at school (Wesleyan is a ThinkPad institution, everyone has laptops), and most kids keep instant messenger on 24/7. I just don’t know how well she can focus on the work that has to be done when she has the pleasant distraction of the computer. I have true concerns about the state of her health because of the eating habits and lack of proper sleep.
{Dad} and I have talked a great deal about the anorexia issue. It appears from our recollection that if she was trying to sharply control her food intake in high school, it may have been a precursor to all the acute medical problems she had as a junior. It at least was happening very close to the time that the medical issues were ongoing. Also, I mentioned that she had been taking Prozac and stopped it cold turkey without our knowledge, and that she also quit taking all the meds that the Dr. from Alabama prescribed for her to try to resolve the medical issues. Later she also quit Ritalin on her own. All of these things point to the same sort of control issues that the anorexia indicates. It seems that perhaps in her mind, since she was so out of control of what happened to her academically, she sought to control food and the meds she was taking. I guess the amount of time she spends on the computer also would fall into this category, along with “deciding” not to get enough sleep. Unfortunately, all these things she has tried to control seem to have had a very detrimental effect on her mental (and physical) health.
{Dad} and I asked CECILIA early this week if she would like to invite a friend to go along on our family trip to FL in late July. CECILIA has asked 4 or 5 friends, none of whom have been able to go because of prior plans. We have encouraged her to continue to ask other friends, just so she can have a peer to have fun with instead of just her younger siblings. I feel really sorry for her that no one has been able to go…she keeps saying it doesn’t matter, but when we told her she could bring a friend she was very excited. Obviously we don’t want her to ask someone she really doesn’t want to spend 10 days with in FL…so perhaps by the time she sees you on Monday this will be resolved one way or the other. You could probably find out by just asking if the family has any vacation plans for the summer.
Another thing that you may not have learned from CECILIA is that she has a very strong faith in God. I think this has been a strong support for her, and it may be a useful tool to encourage her in this direction at some point in your treatment.
Dan and I have also talked this week about how CECILIA seems to be affected by my medical problems. I will be trying to be more aware of what I say to her about how I feel and how I say it; I will try to point out the good days and not say much about the bad ones. Just knowing that she is so sensitive about how I feel will help me to be more aware of what I say. I appreciate your telling us that this seems to be an issue for her.
So I guess those are all the developments from the week. I cannot tell you how much peace we have received from knowing that you are working with CECILIA. You learned more from her in one visit than the other psychologists seemed to get in months of therapy! We are actually relieved to be starting to get a handle on what her problems might be, and look forward to helping her to get better with meds and your therapy with her. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping CECILIA to feel better!
PS. Should you want to contact me in Florida, I will be staying at {dad’s} mom’s condo…
1-***-***-****. You can also reach me at any time on my cell phone…***-****.
*note- this T had a son my age, one older, and a daughter my sibling’s age, so thats how she knew about my school and stuff.
CECILIA- replaces my name (duh.)
anything in {} is something I added.
of course i added all the color/bold/italics myself to highlight the parts i thought were pretty important. AKA-lies, etc.
May 29, 2002
Dear *****,
My aim with this letter will be to tell you anything that I think might help you to understand CECILIA a little better. It is my fervent hope and prayer that we can get things turned around for her so that she can find her way to success in whatever she wants for her life.
I guess I’ll start with some of my earliest recollections. When CECILIA was born, she was an incredibly laid-back baby/child. There wasn’t much that upset her; I can’t remember many times when she cried because she was hungry or needed changed (she and I flew back from Colorado to Pittsburgh when she was 6 months old, and I was still totally breastfeeding her at that point—because of the close seating arrangement on the plane, I was hesitant to nurse her, and she never made a sound for the entire duration of the flight or a quick stopover in Chicago, and waited patiently until we were in our car in Pittsburgh).
When she was in preschool as a 4 year old, her teacher commented several times to me that she was always the last one to finish her “work” and always seemed to dawdle during whatever the class was doing.
CECILIA was tested and placed in the Gifted and Talented Program as a 1st grader at Woodsdale (I believe her IQ was tested around ***). Her teacher in this program also told us quite a few times that CECILIA didn’t finish her work promptly, often forgot to bring homework to school, and generally did not have good organizational skills for her age. CECILIA had this teacher for math and English all through grades 1-5, and these struggles were a consistent problem through these years. The only time that CECILIA fulfilled her teacher’s expectations in these areas was when I designed an index card that the teacher merely had to checkmark each day in areas such as “turned homework in promptly,” “finished work promptly,” etc. CECILIA’s part of the deal was that she had to remember to present the card to the teacher at the end of the day, and to bring it home for us to check and initial. CECILIA carried this card for about 6 weeks, during which time the teacher reported remarkable progress in all the areas listed on the card. The teacher then thought that CECILIA should “go it alone” without the card…and within several weeks she had fallen back into her old habits. I should also mention that in her grade school years, CECILIA had only one or two B’s on her report cards…all the rest were consistently A’s.
CECILIA started ****** {private junior high/highschool} in the 6th grade, and her grades at first were pretty reasonable (mid 80’s to 90’s). But as the years progressed the grades continued to slip. She had HPL and honors quite a few times in the first 3 years at ******, but never had either even once in high school. When she was in 7th grade, she had Mrs. Huggins for English (remember her??). One day CECILIA came home from school with a note that she had not turned in a paper or something that had been due that day in Mrs. Huggins’ class. She told Mrs. Huggins that the paper was at home and she would bring it in the next day. I told her to find it and bring it to me, and after about 30 minutes she came to me and said she couldn’t find it, and it must be in her locker and she’d find it the next day. I told her no, that we would go back to school so she could get it then. After about 20 minutes of tearing apart everything in her locker, I said, “CECILIA, that paper isn’t in your locker, is it?” She told me no, and I asked her if she had done the paper, and she told me that she had not. Mrs. Huggins happened to still be in her room, so I had CECILIA go in alone to tell her that she had lied to her, which she did. Mrs. Huggins was surprisingly kind to her and talked to her for quite a while about her work, the importance of truthfulness, etc.
In CECILIA’s 8th grade year, a very close friend of hers from school attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of Tylenol. This attempt followed the friend’s bragging at school that she would be loosing her virginity that weekend with a guy from another school. The school nurse found out about it, and was going to call the girl’s mother, and this precipitated the suicide attempt. I had known this girl (and her mother) since 1st grade, and had been her Brownie leader for several years. CECILIA and I went to the hospital to visit her, but found a “no visitors” sign on her door. We went to the nurses station and asked if we could just go in to give the girl a hug, and when the girl heard we were there she wanted us to come in. We stayed for just a few minutes, and CECILIA seemed to derive a great deal of comfort that she had been able to visit with her even briefly. Despite this, CECILIA was emotionally a wreck about the situation, and was upset by the teasing that her friend endured.
That same year, CECILIA began seeing Chris Sampson, a tutor and “educational specialist” (I don’t really know what her title was, but she had a business in Elm Grove helping students who were having academic problems.) CECILIA seemed to get along well with Chris, and had many sessions with her learning note-taking and other study skills. But Chris told us early in CECILIA’s freshman year that unless CECILIA was willing to due her part and not procrastinate about getting her work finished, there was nothing further she could do for her.
{What my mom failed to mention is in the mid/end of 8th grade after that whole friend’s attempt thing, they sent me to my first T for depression. I forget exactly how long I saw her for, but it was for several months I think, and I did feel better when I finished seeing her.}
When CECILIA was a freshman in Doc’s biology class, she started out strong but her grades quickly began to drop. From our standpoint, she didn’t seem to be putting in the time needed for such a rigorous class. This began our first real attempt to try to take a more hands-on approach with her. {dad} and I would spend several hours each night reviewing and studying bio and a couple of other subjects where she was having similar problems. Our main goal was to show her how to organize her study time to prepare for tests, etc. Her grades stayed more stable while we were doing this, mostly in the 80’s. But at the same time, teachers were still reporting that she wasn’t turning in all her work and in general wasn’t putting in the time on homework, etc. (we felt she wasn’t telling us about all the homework she had been assigned). One day CECILIA was very angry with us (me, mostly) because I was “demanding” (her word) that she sit down so we could review bio. She said that no one else had to have their “mommy” study with them and she wasn’t going to do it anymore. From that point on I backed out of the situation.
Not long after this, in the early spring of her freshman year, she came out of school looking like someone had died. When she got into the car, she burst into tears and said that Doc had caught her cheating on a bio test (she had used fluorescent-green note cards to prepare cheat sheets). Doc saw them during the test, and stood her in front of the class and berated her, and then sent her to the office to deal with Reno{school’s headmaster, aka principal}. The result was that CECILIA had work details for the remainder of the year, but they did allow her to finish the bio class for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest embarrassment with this whole deal was that several of the boys in her class called her “cheater” when they would pass her in the hall for the rest of her freshman year. This also continued through her sophomore year.
After the cheating incident, Dan and I had a long talk with her about pressure, study skills, grades, etc. During this conversation, I asked her if she had ever contemplated suicide…and her reply was yes. So we got her started with Bob CECILIA** {second T}. She saw Bob off and on until he died 2 years ago. (He told me once that his view of CECILIA was that she was a very “fragile” person.)
In CECILIA’s sophomore year, her grades continued to head steadily lower, and most were in the 70’s by that point as I recall. Teachers (Geoff Schoolar, Matt DiOrio and a couple of others) were telling us that she was “mouthy” in class and wasn’t doing what was required for their classes. Her sessions with Bob Mendelson continued, but seemed to be having little effect on her academically (I can’t honestly say that I saw much difference in her emotionally, either). By the end of the 3rd grading period, CECILIA was very close to failing English for the year. From CECILIA’s standpoint, the biggest problem with this was that she and I were scheduled to go on a school-sponsored 3 week trip to Europe in June, and if she failed English she would have to take English in summer school and we would have to forfeit all the money we had paid for the trip. By the end of the year, she was officially failing English and had seemingly done little to turn this situation around in the last grading period. The week before finals, Bob decided that perhaps Prozac would help her to “concentrate” so that she could do better on her finals, especially English. So she started taking Prozac four days before her English final. I’m not sure that the Prozac could be credited with any miracle, but somehow CECILIA managed to get an 86 on her English final after failing mostly everything through the semester and passive-aggressively refusing to learn her declamation. Matt ******, her English teacher, told us that he couldn’t fail a student who had performed relatively well on the final…so he passed her with a 70 when her actual grade for the year should have been a 68. CECILIA continued to take Prozac for a year or so, and she quit taking it without telling us, saying later that she didn’t like “taking medicine.” Bob also got her started on Ritalin (I can’t remember exactly when, but it should be in Bob’s notes). CECILIA reported that it seemed to help her, but again stopped taking it on her own without letting us know.
Early in CECILIA’s junior year, she began having very severe headaches and fainting spells. At one point she was routinely missing 2-3 days each week of school. We took her to a long succession of doctors, and were told the following depending on the doctor: CECILIA’s classes are too hard, we should talk to the teachers about putting less pressure on her (we never went back to that dr); CECILIA has anorexia (she was mostly vegetarian, but definitely was eating); CECILIA has skeletal problems that would need repeat visits to a chiropractor to solve the headache problem; CECILIA needs to see a massage therapist; CECILIA needs to exercise more; CECILIA has migraines (imitrex and other meds had no effect on the headaches); CECILIA needs to sleep more; etc etc etc. After going through a nightmarish 5 months and nearly 20 doctors, in March of 1999 we talked to Dan’s cousin in San Francisco, who is an MD and the best diagnostician we know. He listened to everything we had been through, and told us he strongly suspected that CECILIA had “mitral valve prolapse with dysautonomia.” He suggested we see a Dr. at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who treats many patients with this little-known syndrome. In April CECILIA and I went to Birmingham, and after several tests the Dr. told us that CECILIA indeed had this syndrome. (I have enclosed an article which describes the syndrome.) In a nutshell what it involves is a failure of the autonomic nervous system to regulate the “automatic” functions of the body. This often manifests itself in fainting and headaches because the body doesn’t regulate fluids well, resulting in the body literally being “down a quart” on fluids. This is what causes the headaches and fainting. There is not an anatomic mitral valve prolapse, but rather a “floppy” valve caused by the lowered amount of fluids in the system. Basically when the body is hydrated to over-hydrated, all the symptoms disappear. This wonderful Dr. in Alabama put CECILIA on several medications to attempt to alleviate the symptoms: a beta blocker to stop the heart palpitations, another med to help the body to hold onto more fluids, plus 2 more meds that I can’t remember at the moment. The result was that within a few days, all the problems resolved. CECILIA has learned that she must constantly be on guard against getting even a little dehydrated. She is very good about carrying a water bottle with her, and knows that in hot weather she must constantly take in fluids. She knows that she will dehydrate very quickly, with fainting the usual result. CECILIA took her meds for many months, and then stopped taking everything, once again without telling anyone that she was doing this.
CECILIA’s senior year was more of the same academically. Her grades were in the 70’s, and often were failing. She applied to several colleges, with Mount Union her 1st choice. Despite the low average academically, she had a 1260 SAT. She only received a probational acceptance at Mount Union, which really seemed to surprise her. After that, she didn’t even want to consider Mount Union anymore and ended up going to {1st college}, which had already offered her a $5000 leadership scholarship because of all the sports, clubs, etc in which she was involved. She also received a $1500 vocal scholarship to participate in Wesleyan Singers. Her first semester at Wesleyan she had about a 2.4 GPA, with each successive semester going lower.
In this year, her sophomore year, she had a 1.8 first semester and a 1.45 this past semester. At Christmas break, we told her that she would have to have a 3.0 for the spring semester for us to continue to pay for her tuition. The 1.45 was the result. CECILIA has already met with the financial aid person at Wesleyan, and plans to work this summer to earn some of the money she’ll need and take out student loans for the rest. We have told her that we will continue to pay for room and board for this year, and if she earns a 3.0 or better in the fall semester, we will pay her tuition for the spring semester. (If you feel for any reason after working with CECILIA that we should reverse our decision to have her pay her own tuition, we would be completely open to whatever you suggest.) Her cumulative GPA currently stands at a 2.2.
CECILIA also pledged a sorority this past fall, and has really enjoyed the friendships she has made. She loves the sorority and the sisterhood, and was required to attend “study tables” this semester because her GPA was so low in the fall semester. Apparently they did little to help her to get better grades.
CECILIA discovered from Chris Sampson that she can “read better” if the words are printed on colored paper, so she uses a piece of plexiglass covered with colored saran wrap over the page when she reads. She tells us that this helps. She also told me last week that a friend of hers concentrates better when she takes Ritalin, and asked if she could try it again. When her most recent set of grades came and she looked at them, we asked her if she knew that they would be that bad. She told us that she honestly thought they would be better, and seemed surprised by them. Despite “learning” at ****** to keep track of every grade so that you have some idea of where you stand in your classes, she just shrugs her shoulders when asked why she doesn’t do it. This past semester, she started out carrying 14 hours, and dropped history late in the semester because “her grade wasn’t THAT bad, but she wanted to concentrate on her other classes.” She finished the semester with only 11 hours, and the 1.45 GPA in them.
One rather unusual thing (in light of the other grades she has received) is that CECILIA took 2 classes at {current college} last summer, getting an A in one and a B in the other. She mentioned the other day that she thinks she does OK in the first part of a regular semester, but gets “bored” and finds it difficult to attend to her work after that. She has not done well even in the classes which pertain to her major, public relations (which we feel was a good choice, and one she made entirely on her own after starting out as a biology major, which we did not feel was a good match for her). She will be taking a 3 hour class, philosophy, at {current college} in June this summer.
Our first reaction to CECILIA’s recent poor academic performance is to give note to how much time she watches TV, listens to country music (just ask her, she is the most knowledgeable person on the topic that I know!), spends on the computer, and spends in sorority activities. I am certain that I could not have gotten decent grades while spending so much time on non-academic pursuits. But on the other hand, we worry that perhaps CECILIA’s gifted and talented teacher, Chris Sampson, and Bob Mendelson could have missed a learning disability or other learning problem. And we understand your concern that there might be a depression problem to address as well. {dad} and I also have considered privately that college may not be for CECILIA, but she has never communicated this with us and we have never brought it up with her. Obviously she would have to have some alternative “plan” for what to do, should this be the way she decides to go.
We are at the end of everything we know to try with CECILIA. She is a genuinely nice person, fun to be around, and seems to have many friends at Wesleyan. CECILIA and I enjoy going to country music concerts together, and we enjoy being with her when she is home and on our family vacations. The things I have described here don’t tell the whole story, and are slanted negatively to try to illustrate the problems with which we have dealt. When we try to talk with her about anything related to academics, she becomes very sullen and sometimes even confrontational with us. I don’t think we are “in-your-face” kind of parents, and I think we have tried to be lenient and patient with her. It is very frustrating to talk with her about her grades; I detest having to be the “school police” with her and the way it negatively affects our relationship as mother-daughter. We ask her through the semester how things are going with her classes, and always hear all about the good tests, etc; when her grades have come each of her four semesters, we are always surprised and disappointed based on what she has told us through the semester. We have deliberately not been more demanding about hearing specifically how she is doing, feeling that she is an adult and how she does is her responsibility.
I know that this is very, very long, and I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read it. We love CECILIA with all our hearts and will do anything to help her to discover her way to success. We are very grateful for the guidance and encouragement that you have already given us, and truly look forward to working together with you to help our daughter.
With Sincerest Gratitude,
June 28, 2002
Hi *****,
I wanted to be sure you had this information on {1st college’s} Counseling Service before CECILIA’s appointment Monday. It seems that they have 2 psychologists on staff that are available to see students. I have not called them to see how this is arranged. Would it be better if you called so you could describe exactly what she will need? Or would you rather I make the initial contact? Either way is fine with me, as long as I know what to ask if I am the one who makes the call. I have no problem if you want to tell CECILIA that you printed out the Wesleyan information from your computer (rather than it coming from me).
I assume you received my message that CECILIA will be seeing Dr. Carol ***** on Tuesday at 4:45. I left a message with Dr. Carol that you wanted to talk with her; hopefully you can touch bases with her before CECILIA’s appointment on Tuesday to fill her in on what you have in mind for treatment. I will be out of town all next week, so CECILIA will be going alone to both her appointment with you on Monday as well as her appointment with Carol on Tuesday. Dan will be in town; you can reach him any time at either the office or at home. {dad’s}cell phone # is ***-****.
Some other thoughts/observations Dan and I have had this week: CECILIA may still be trying to “diet” by skipping meals. There have been several (maybe 5 or 6) times this week that she has said she “was not hungry” when we have been deciding what to do for dinner, and has not eaten. She definitely tends toward carbohydrates when she does eat, and since she is partially vegetarian she already opts out of many protein sources (she will eat eggs, cheese, fish, and chicken, but eats no red meat other than chili.)
She also has still been staying up very late, even when she has had to be up early for class. She has had 2 take home tests this week, and has told us that some of the info for these has to be found on the internet. She has spent a great deal of time on the internet, and when she is online she nearly always has instant messenger open. Last night she had the last of the take home tests to complete, and it appeared to me that instant messenger was the only thing she was actually doing. I went to bed at 12:30 and she was still online. I understand that there are other problems in the total picture of CECILIA, but from my point of view the internet/instant messenger borders on being compulsive with her. She has a computer at school (Wesleyan is a ThinkPad institution, everyone has laptops), and most kids keep instant messenger on 24/7. I just don’t know how well she can focus on the work that has to be done when she has the pleasant distraction of the computer. I have true concerns about the state of her health because of the eating habits and lack of proper sleep.
{Dad} and I have talked a great deal about the anorexia issue. It appears from our recollection that if she was trying to sharply control her food intake in high school, it may have been a precursor to all the acute medical problems she had as a junior. It at least was happening very close to the time that the medical issues were ongoing. Also, I mentioned that she had been taking Prozac and stopped it cold turkey without our knowledge, and that she also quit taking all the meds that the Dr. from Alabama prescribed for her to try to resolve the medical issues. Later she also quit Ritalin on her own. All of these things point to the same sort of control issues that the anorexia indicates. It seems that perhaps in her mind, since she was so out of control of what happened to her academically, she sought to control food and the meds she was taking. I guess the amount of time she spends on the computer also would fall into this category, along with “deciding” not to get enough sleep. Unfortunately, all these things she has tried to control seem to have had a very detrimental effect on her mental (and physical) health.
{Dad} and I asked CECILIA early this week if she would like to invite a friend to go along on our family trip to FL in late July. CECILIA has asked 4 or 5 friends, none of whom have been able to go because of prior plans. We have encouraged her to continue to ask other friends, just so she can have a peer to have fun with instead of just her younger siblings. I feel really sorry for her that no one has been able to go…she keeps saying it doesn’t matter, but when we told her she could bring a friend she was very excited. Obviously we don’t want her to ask someone she really doesn’t want to spend 10 days with in FL…so perhaps by the time she sees you on Monday this will be resolved one way or the other. You could probably find out by just asking if the family has any vacation plans for the summer.
Another thing that you may not have learned from CECILIA is that she has a very strong faith in God. I think this has been a strong support for her, and it may be a useful tool to encourage her in this direction at some point in your treatment.
Dan and I have also talked this week about how CECILIA seems to be affected by my medical problems. I will be trying to be more aware of what I say to her about how I feel and how I say it; I will try to point out the good days and not say much about the bad ones. Just knowing that she is so sensitive about how I feel will help me to be more aware of what I say. I appreciate your telling us that this seems to be an issue for her.
So I guess those are all the developments from the week. I cannot tell you how much peace we have received from knowing that you are working with CECILIA. You learned more from her in one visit than the other psychologists seemed to get in months of therapy! We are actually relieved to be starting to get a handle on what her problems might be, and look forward to helping her to get better with meds and your therapy with her. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping CECILIA to feel better!
PS. Should you want to contact me in Florida, I will be staying at {dad’s} mom’s condo…
1-***-***-****. You can also reach me at any time on my cell phone…***-****.
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